tbqb12

my stupid mouth
2003-10-11 01:54:05 (UTC)

things used to be so simple

i'm really tired, but i don't want to go to bed until i am
sure that i can fall asleep because i have to take the sats
(again) tomorrow. i hate not being able to fall asleep
when i know that i need to, and i think it's just because i
am overtired. this has been happening to me for a while
now. i used to be able to fall asleep almost immediately,
but, lately, that hasn't been the case.

my mom is getting on my nerves so much. i hate when she
brings up anything that has to do with college, and, of
course, with sats tomorrow, she's brought it up several
times today. i have almost made up my mind to get a loan
and do it all myself, but i guess i'll just wait and see
how much financial aid i get (if any at all). i feel so
overwhelmed right now.

so let's move on to something else, something that isn't
going to determine my future. i feel that there are so
many people in my life right now whom i have a
responsibility to "save," and i mean that in a religious
sense. i see everyone going entirely in the wrong
direction. and, of course, i know i'm not staying exactly
in the middle of the straight path, but i know i'm at least
on the right one. it seems like so many people whom i care
about are heading in the opposite direction. it kind of
scares me. and what scares me more is knowing that i bear
some of the responsibility for them heading the wrong way.
and the most frustrating thing is, they don't even know
they're on the wrong path. i struggled with this quite a
bit this past summer, especially after i came back from tac
where it seemed like lots of kids had families and friends
with the same values and beliefs as they themselves did. i
wish that was the case for me. i depend on kim and my
uncle and people at church to relate to me, but i wish that
i could relate to everyone that way. and ever since nick
went on this "God doesn't exist" kick, all of these
feelings that i had been having have resurfaced. i know
he's just trying to make me mad for his own twisted
pleasure, but i don't think he realizes how much it really
does bother me even though i don't get visibly angry. it's
not that i want him to stop saying these things because i
know that by him stopping, he's not saying, "you're right.
there is a God, and i believe in Him." that's not the case
at all. if i was really honest and asked him to just shut
up, he might because it upsets me but not because he has
finally listened to reason and come around. everyone else
(including my parents, grandparents, friends, etc.) just
pretty much ignores the topic; they don't say they do or do
not believe. therefore, it never is an issue on
conversation. and, because it doesn't come up in
conversation, i can ignore it, too, even though i know i
shouldn't. but it's hard to ignore nick's comments, even
if they are just to spite me. i think if there was someone
else there to help me...jeff's a catholic in the loosest
sense of the word, so that's no good. i don't feel like i
can just let this blow over and assume that he'll just
forget about it. it is possible that nick will stop with
the comments, but now i know what his beliefs are, and now
i bear responsibility.

don't roll your eyes at me.




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