An inconcluded life
Ad 2:
2003-10-10 05:30:20 (UTC)

Is it really the end?

Sometimes the end comes and you are not around to savor
it. It comes un expectedly without you being able to
understand what happened. All of the sudden you are
inside that tunnel and then see the light at the end.
Until then, you realize that this is the end.

2 months and six days. yep... ephimeral? I dunno. I no
longer know what is normal and what is not. Living a
fantasy? Maybe. Actually maybe he was, but not I. Stupid
me, as always. How can I be so naive? Man, Judy had told
me so many times the signs and I just chose not to look at
them! And now my heart is broken and I feel like shit.

I swore to God I would not trust men ever again. Men only
play with other people's feelings. They have no feelings,
they don't know what it is to feel something special for
someone unique. Leading someone into believing something
or just following the game to fulfill a fantasy is not
only sickening, but also unfair. How could he keep this
game for so long? Why did he decide to do this? I mean,
I tried! God only knows how hard I tried to be
understanding, loving, caring, sweet, special, pampering,
satisfiying and all those adjectives that are related to
relationships. And all he did was take it all and put it
inside a garbage bag and step on it. After stepping on it
several times, he just threw the bag inside the toilet and
flushed it down. And now my heart is broken and crushed.
And even though I tried to play fair and tried to follow
the rules without violating them, he did not care. He
decided it was better to let go, even if the agreed time
has not yet passed by. He was mean to me, cruel to me.
All he said was that it was I who pushed it. He tried to
break up a couple of times before... on our first week and
then on our first month, but I pushed it because I have
such a strong character and I controlled him. So I had no
arguments to debate. I had to let go. And maybe, deep
inside I am praying that things change and that he comes
back to me telling me how much he loves me and needs me.
But then again, I wonder if he will? He was so harsh that
his words still resound in my ears and make me feel pain
all over. Yeah, I fell in love with a set of
electromagnetic impulses that invaded my nights for 66
days. And now, ... now it's all gone. What am I supposed
to do with my feelings? throw them inside a bottle and
throw it into the ocean? swallow them hoping they will
dissappear in the city bay? I dunno. I just know I have
some stupid little hope left inside that he will call me
and let me know that in fact he does care. He will prove
me wrong by calling me and telling me how sorry he is that
he trated me in such a harsh way.

But that is only a piece of hope, cuz chances are I won't
ever hear from him again. I welcome and embrace my friend
loneliness once again. And maybe this time she is here to
stay because I have lost all hope and trust in finding
someone who would make me so happy. I was wrong. It was
not him. Yet... the search is over.