Ramblings of a Mom
2003-10-08 12:11:16 (UTC)

Yesterday was just a bum day!

Well, I should have just gotten back online yesterday and
wrote in my diary, but I just couldn't do it. I decided
yesterday that I am depressed (at least right now, lol).
My husband and I (every since I started having problems
with my pregnancy) don't make love very often. It's been
close to 6 weeks since the last time! Maybe once a month
or so we actually do it and this has been going on for
almost 3 months! It makes me uneasy and if nothing else,
it makes me worry about how my body changes with
pregnancy. Does he not find me attractive? Or is it just
that he's scared because of the baby and the problems we
have already had? The doctor has cleared me the last two
doctor visits that all things are going well, so why is he
still holding off?
I also feel guilty because I flip back and forth about this
baby. There are times that I can't wait to have the baby
here, in our arms, even in my son's arms. Then there are
other times where I almost dread it and how is he (my
husband) going to react to being a real, honest-to-God
Dad? He's been an incredible father and Dad to my son from
a previous marriage, but what about when it's an infant and
it is his own child?
I stress over money a lot. I feel guilty for not being
able to (or rather being asked not to) contribute to the
household finances. He asked that I quit working
altogether when I had my 'threatened miscarriage' in June.
But yet, as we pay bills with his rather healthy paycheck,
it seems that we are not able to save anything. I am
registered for our baby, and yet NOTHING has been bought!
Not that that surprised me. It just worries me that the
baby will be here in 3 months and we don't have anything
set up for it. We are also wanting to buy a new vehicle
before the baby gets here, and I don't see how we are going
to do it right now.
My baby brother should be sailing back into CA next month
after being in the "war against terrorism" since March and
we can't go see him. He is planning on getting married in
February in CA and my son is in the wedding and yet we
can't afford to go. We will be lucky if we can pay for my
son to go. We also have to look at my husband flying to
North Carolina at Thanksgiving to see his Dad and flying to
PA at Christmas to see his Mom. So many bills, so many
goals, and so little money to put towards them. I just
wish that there was something that I could do to help.
I have filed for enforcement of a child support order that
has been in effect for the last 2 and a half years that the
obligation has not been fully met. I'm hoping that maybe
some of that money will be coming in soon so that I can at
least look at the coast trip for my son and I in 2 weeks
without hesitation. Then after that I can focus that money
on my son for Christmas.
So, in short, I'm just bummed out. I'm 6 months pregnant,
with a husband that doesn't seem to be attracted to her, no
job (by choice), no friends, and just lonely and bummed!
Maybe today will be better, we will just have to see.

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