2003-10-06 00:18:38 (UTC)


i went for a walk today to the park today and walked back on
21st ave. there are more trees on that avenue, no stores or
every time i walk down there, well i guess i cant say
everytime, but i remember my first kiss with anthony. it
wasnt my first ever kiss. but it was my first ever kiss with
my first ever boyfriend even tho we didnt call each other
boyfriend/girlfriend cause we thought that was stupid. we
were 15, both geminis and it was snowing. we had planned to
kiss on the phone and i think we were both scared. the plan
was to get a movie at blockbuster and then kiss outside. we
didnt and we walked back. i think we started talking about
it. i think i said "so you dont want to kiss me anymore?"
and he stopped me right in the middle of the street and
kissed me. it was snowing just a little, dusty on the
streets and after awhile i mightve gotten a little
embarrassed and realied we were smack in the middle of the
street and stopped and continued walking, this time holding
anyway i was 15 and almost every time i walk down that
street i think about that. 8 years ago. its left this faint,
constant imprint. on the street, and in my mind. i feel like
the memory passes though me everytime i cross that street.
we rented frances that night. watched it and he said he
almost cried.
we went up to the roof afterwards and looked at the snowy
streets and the skyline. i jerked him off and out there in
the cold my hands and his dick were very warm. i felt like i
was a natural at it.

i feel like ive been a drama queen of late. melodramatic. i
wish i could aplogize to everyone. maybe im imagining things.

besides my walk to the park and water today ive been
watching baseball all day. first game of the playoffs is
wendsday. i have tickets for home game 2 and 3 so i will
definately miss game 2 and im going to be upset if we play
boston and i dont get to see a boston/yankee playoff game.
maybe i will go there and scalp one on wed night. maybe
chris will give me his. lets cross our fingers. i just sent
him a mail saying if he isnt going i think he should give
the tickets to me. i wont care so much if we play oakland.

im glad there is no work tomorrow. some kind of jewish
holiday. ive been having anxiety dreams of work as of late.

i thought alot this weekend about memory and thinking. when
i was at that last bruce concert i was thinking about the
things i was thinking about during the performance. why am i
thinking this at this point? then i'd notice when i had no
thoughts. singing along and dancing parts were much more in
the moment. and i wasnt stoned or drunk and i was looking
around at everyone. a whole stadium full of people standing
up, singing and dancing their hearts out.
there is a part in 'badlands'
"i believe in the faith that can save me"
when he sings that word, 'faith', the house lights in the
stadium FLASH on, and everyones fist goes up in the air.
lights go off.
so everyone is trying to hang onto some faith. everyone
needs it, everyone wants it, recognizes it.
ive been forgetting lately how much i believe everyone is
ive been forgetting alot of what i believe.