How did I even get this far...?
2003-10-05 07:14:41 (UTC)

Why do I keep doing this?

Dear Journal,
It's 3:00 in the morning, and I had to write. There's
just so much that I have to tell you, it's no longer
making any sense inside my stupid head. It's just a
jumbled mess of awful thoughts that keep floating around
in there, gaining pressure and I feel that I'm about to
burst. Journal, I fucked up... that's all there is to
it. I fucked up again, and I'm so fucking tired of it.
Every time I get into a relationship that shows promise
and potential, I always go and say the stupidest things
possible. I fear that I have hurt my Tiffany, perhaps
even made her cry. The last thing on earth that I want to
do is hurt the only girl that I have truly felt love for,
and somehow I think I did just that tonight. By upholding
a promise that I made to myself a long time ago, and the
promise that I made to her not so long ago, I feel that I
may have hurt a relationship more than helped it. A long
time ago I told myself that in a relationship that I care
very much about, that I would be honest and tell that
person what I felt. I told Tiffany that I would do this,
and now my honesty has hurt her. I just don't understand
why I always fucking open my big stupid fucking mouth over
the dumbest things in the world. Things that don't even
fucking matter. Journal, why did I have to go and tell
that her smoking marijuana worried me? Who the fuck
cares? Why the hell do I even care. It doesn't make a
fucking difference if she does it or not. She doesn't do
it often at all...but for some reason, I'm such an
overprotective asshole boyfriend that I have to open my
fucking mouth again and tell her that I get worried. I
know she's with good people, and I fully, completely trust
her. Yet, for some reason, unknown to me, I still get
worried over the dumbest damn reasons. I don't think
that I deserve a girl as good as her. Everything she does
is so amazing to me, I truly do love her. It's almost
like she's too good of a person and I go and nitpick for
the fucking stupidest reasons, because she doesn't have
any real flaws at all. She even bought me a ring today...
this wonderful girl who doesn't work very much at all,
spent money on me, the fucking stupidest boyfriend in the
world. She tries so hard to be the girlfriend that she
feels that I deserver...and then I go and fuck everything
up when she's just trying to have some fun with her
friends. Ok...my eyes hurt from crying..... my hands hurt
from praying so hard. Praying that she isn't mad at me.
God, please help me to stop being so protective. I really
do love this girl...