2003-10-05 04:58:03 (UTC)

i know who i am, but who are you?

you're not looking like you used to,
you're on the other side of the mirror,
so nothing's looking quite as clear...

i didnt think you had it in you,
but now you're looking like i used to.

hmm. yeah i have a lot to say. then im going to bed.

it was a nice day. moms birthday. i got her flowers and
her perfume and a nice card.. i dont usually like to buy
cards but it said something like "when anyone says i'm just
like my mother, im proud" or something. we went to dinner
at this cute place in daytona, its themed of forrest gump..
i think i'll take matt there sometime maybe for our
birthdays since he loves that movie. it was fun. my mom
and i might go get a tattoo this week or tomorrow. that
would be cool. matt came by and brought her a card and
chocolates which really thrilled her so. it was worth it.

i left for awhile and helped claudia paint her new office
downtown. it was so much fun. i could've stayed all day.
i really get off on that shit, redecorating, cleaning,
making things nice. its a little sad. i was guna go to
this party tonight with her but i dont feel like it, i feel
like going to bed and getting some rest.

im reading this really amazing book. making me think a
lot, i like that. i think im guna give it to my humanities
teacher when im done lol. he would like it. he wrote me
an email back lol im the biggest nerd on earth. matt
teases me and says i have a crush on him. its a matter of
he's so strange and smart and well-read and the kind of
person that fascinates me. not a matter of i want to sleep
with this 55 year old teacher. but he wouldnt understand
that, would he.

my girl comes home tomorrow. ive been thinking a lot about
what dawn said like a week ago about it.. how shes so lazy
that she gets herself into bad situations and doesnt bother
to get out... maybe thats not a fair way to put it, maybe
its not exactly how she said it, but the general idea...

i think it hit home with the way i always felt like *i*
wasnt special to her, she wasnt interested in *me* but just
having someone... and this may be unfair... its just that i
cant understand her. but i mean, god im going to sound
awful, but. she -could- have kept me... it wouldnt have
been that hard. i feel like she gave up without much of a
fight, or maybe just not the right kind of fight, i dont
know.. and maybe im awfully insecure, but i feel like it
had to do something with *i* wasnt important to her, and as
long as she had diana waiting for her, why should she fight
for me? but maybe im wrong, she shouldnt have HAD to fight
or make that much effort... i just know that if she had
told me how she felt more instead of after the fact writing
these things in her diary that made me feel like shit, or
meeting her at starbucks that night with her arm all cut up
telling me she started smoking again... why couldnt she
have just said "i'm in love with you" when it mattered,
when it was feasible. then again, why couldnt i. and why
does it matter. if she was too lazy to keep me, and she's
too lazy to tell this bitch she doesnt care about her..
then what do i expect to happen EVER. im not blaming her.
im not judging her. well yes i am. but its just
frustrating. because i think about her all the time, and i
miss those times and i know that right now it wouldnt work,
so im okay with that, but it makes me so mad that i KNOW i
expect something in the future, and thats ridiculous... i
love dawn for seeing what i dont see, or dont want to see,
and saying "shes not passionate enough, shes not
affectionate enough, expressive enough, loving enough" but
i also hate that feeling when i know its true.. and ashley
hit it dead on, i am delusional. i have in my mind all
these expectations that are not only unreasonable but
insane and never going to happen...

and the saddest part of all, is the fact that i know all of
this, and i still cant wait to see her. i cant wait to see
her, even though i know it'll be for like an hour or some
shit, probably not even til later in the week when she
remembers and thinks of it, and when she leaves, i'll lose
it... why? because i want to be with her all the time or
because i know that even without the bitch in the picture,
she'll never care enough to fight for me?

i'm so sorry that i've fallen
help me up, let's keep on running
don't let me fall out of love

be, be the one I need, be the one i trust most
don't stop inspiring me

sometimes it's hard to keep on running
i work so hard to keep it going
don't make me want to give up
running, running as fast as we can,
do you think we'll make it?
running, keep holding my hand so we don't get separated

sometimes i really want to transfer to IU and live with my
family in indiana... i love them so much and i could just
get away from everything here, everything thats either
going nowhere or going somewhere it shouldnt..

i know what i want to do with myself, and i know that i can
do it.. i know that i can do it alone, and i know that i
dont want to. i know that i could make the right person
happy under the right circumstances. ... i dont know where
im going with that thought.

i've been talking a lot to this girl, she found me on this
stupid website that i dont even remember how i found it,
and shes the hottest girl, in a really casual way. i like
her. i havent talked to that other girl in awhile, from
face the jury. she lives far away.

tuesday i think im going to the doctor. to find out WHAT
is going on with my hormones, i've been bleeding for 6
weeks, with only a few days in between of not, and my skin
is having all these problems, not to mention my tummy, im
not gaining weight, i havent gained a single pound, but it
appears as if i am. so i guess i'll go tuesday morning,
since i dont have class.. ashleigh got mad at me the other
night about it, she was like "I wasnt going to say
anything, but I dont like it, you need to go to a doctor."
and i was all. nah. and she got kinda irritated i think.

i guess im going to sleep. i need to rest. tomorrow i
have to do laundry, cut my hair, tint my car, lol yeah
right i've been saying that for weeks... and maybe get a
tattoo with my mom. so. bedtime.