sex, ex's, bruce, and your mother getting stoned
hello there. because im a hyperconscious dork i wonder when
i write in this what is it for who is it towhere is it
going this information and why.
interesting day, yesterday.
thursday night i am tired and at my brothers show. in this
red basement of a bar in hells kitchen that looks like the
basement of a house. its big, bricks, graffiti, lawn chairs
little bullshit stage and you can smoke down there despite
the asinine smoking laws. chris calls me. he is in astoria.
he is drunk. was at the yankee game, left in the 5th inning
and came to astoria and he was asking me to meet him and i
say im in the city, sorry cant come. i cant figure out why
he is in astoria because he doesnt live there anymore. he
calls again. i was sitting at the bar and i could've
said "i wont be there by the time your friends come to pick
you up, so when they come go with them. bye." but
nooooooooooo. my first initial rush of feeling when he
called was to leave my brothers show and take a cab back to
meet him. even tho he was drunk. even tho he inexplicably
left in the 5th inning. now that i think about it he
probably got thrown out. but it still doesnt make sense why
he came to astoria. i know he was trying to get me to see
him. and i succumbed, and i did. after the show i took the
cab there, cause his friends had already left and there was
sadness in his voice and i knew it was a manipulation on
his part, all of it, and he knows im a stupid sucker that
will fall for any of his shit.
so i meet him at the diner and his head looks bigger his
hands look smaller his eyes are yellowish and bloodshot but
as always after a few minutes of conversation all that goes
away and he gets more and more beautiful and i get more and
more stupid. i'd already decided he was going to stay over.
he asked to please sleep on my couch and i said yes. the
useless instict of mine kicked in. you arent supposed to
cater to alcholics. people like me arent good for
alcholics. i see him in that state and all i want to do is
take him to my warm cozy apartment , open the futon, wrap
him in blankets, hold him, make him soup.
so thats what i do.
and i was craving touch, was craving that heat and energy
from someone who cares for you, is attracted to you. from
the time i met him to the time i walked him to the train
the next day he mustve said 'youre such a beautiful girl'
youre beautiful in every way there is to be beautiful. no
matter what i wear, he always tells me i look good, and he
has that look on his face that guys get when they look at
hot girls so you have to believe him.
anyway so in the morning he crawls into my bed and wraps
his arms around me and pulls me close and i feel like i am
dissapearing right into him. so we make love. i forgot how
good that is. i forgot how good t is to talk to him, how
easy, how much we make eachother laugh. he talked alot
about being miserable, hating himself for starting drinking
again, unable to stop, hating his life, hating and sick of
all life. i reminded him that he wants to be that way. and
that he knows how to be ok if he wants to.
when we were together i knew there was a point where he
started resenting me. he started to see things the way i
do. he said "its pissing me off, i walk around looking at
things in wonder, i feel like im turning into you." at the
time i said i thought thats why you fell in love with me,
cause you like the way i see the world.
and i fell for him cause part of me sees his dark and
chaotic world too, and thinks there is much truth in it,
but i dont have the guts to hurl myself into that abyss
like he does.
as he is taking a shower in the morning i am thinking that
i want to tell him my speech. that i cant handle this. that
i dont want to see or talk to him anymmore. im not built
for this. i cant take the broken plans, the definitionless
relationship i cant take him telling me he loves me and
wants to marry me and then binge drinking for two weeks and
telling me here and there how much he hates himself. i want
to tell him this isnt your fault but i just cant keep
talking to you. i still have feelings for you. i want to
say these things but i dont. on the walk i tell him all the
things i want to say but also tell him its hard for me to
act on it because its always so good, always feels so right
being with him. he says he is sorry and he knows it hurts
me and doesnt know why he keeps calling me. he says he
knows we cant be normal friends. he gets on the train, i
walk away. i know he'll call again tho, i dont know when
this will end.
really, in my heart i know that depite my feelings he is
not a man i want to be with. he cannot treat me the way i
think i deserve to be treated. even tho he always says "i
could be so good to you. you have no idea. you never got to
see." COULD being the operative word.
anyway i felt ok afterwards. i walked around and itwas a
lovely day and i'd just gotten laid. i didnt feel shitty
like i thought i would.
i didnt feel shitty until kevin came over later and told me
bobo is getting MARRIED.
bobo is my ex, i met him through kevin. we dated a few
years ago, and this is awhole other story, but basically
bobo fell in love with me after about 2 dates and i just
never fell in love with him.
but he is getting MARRIED next MONTH and what am i doing???
i am sleeping with my lying cheating alcholic ex
then saw bruce again. the spiritual moving experience that
his live shows always are. kevin was drunk and being his
usual drunk self. he gets very touchy feely with me when he
is drunk which i think is shitty of him todo when his
girlfriend is around, like she was last night. but during a
slow song, he pulled me to him and told me that i cant sell
myself short like that (sleeping with chris) and that chris
reminds him of himself, needing attention and love
especially when drunk and needing it only when he needs it,
not being consistant and thats what makes him mad and that
i deserve better than that. and i thought, wow kevin is
right. they are a little alike in that respect. kevin did
that to me for years, being nice and loving to me only when
drunk.. to the point where i dont even pay attention to him
anymore when hes drunk. and its sad. we were such good
friends for such a long time and i dont really know what
happened. but now when hes drunk and sayd "i love you sara
id do anything in the world for you youre my oldest friend"
i just think yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah. alot like
chris. big on words, small on actions.
THEN at the concert i saw my MOTHER SMOKING A JOINT. i
almost fell out of my seat.
it was too much for one day.
i didnt go out afterwards. i came home with julie and we
talked and ate some food and i fell asleep. and here i am.
i woke up feeling dreamy and woozy and alli really want to
do is watch movies all day and i woke up wishing i was
getting woken the way i did yesterday, arms around me
from behind, pulling me close and kissing my hair
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