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2003-09-30 03:44:23 (UTC)

i need the voice of a good friend...

why am i unreasonable, delusional, unrealistic
living in my own little fucked up world
spending every second of my free time
-and most seconds of unfree time
trying to figure myself out

fantasizing about things i lost long ago
not even lost but let go of
"some things you lose and some things you just give away"
wondering what the fuck was wrong with me
but knowing that no matter how hard i fucking try
to be a good person
to shed this hateful manipulative cold front and scream
this isnt me this isnt me
no matter how hard i try
it doesnt fucking matter
and i just want it to go away
im at a point where i would rather erase every single
memory in my mind from EVER
than deal with trying to find a way
of deciding what the FUCK ACTUALLY HAPPENED and why
and i dont even know whats true and whats a figment of my
fucking imagination
i believe now that i am truly insane
because for the first time in. probably forever.
i am doing things on my own, good things that im proud of.
but it doesnt mean anything to me
when i have all this love i have to choke down inside me
when i have to lay in bed alone every night
when i have to see everyone i love unhappy and know that in
some way -no matter how remote or small- i had something to
do with that
nothing matters to me but love.
and i couldnt be more alone.
and i couldnt be any more certain that im out of my mind.
i dont fucking know anything anymore


"i cant answer the why. i can only caution on advising to
pursue her. because i worry about how long it will last.
because she hasnt always made you happy. and im sorry but
the girl is what... 25? and i dont know she doesnt seem to
have the ambition to take things far enough to keep you
happy. she gets into situations and even if they suck she
doesnt seem to be doing much of anything to fix it. and
god i know this sounds lame. but there have to be more
people out there for you, i cant imagine you to be so
destined to join this one family. when your with her your
happy does she make you happy? or do you make you happy
because of the memories?"
"She loves me"
"i dont know. i dont think love is enough. i wish it
was. and maybe i cant answer this one. i mean this is all
coming from my imagination you know? so. dont take my
word for it hun. if love will make everything work out.
you know far more about love that i do now"