Stephanie

Giving In
2003-09-30 00:52:59 (UTC)

And then there was blood

Well this is our 15th week of rain. Hurricane season is
passing with yet one to hit. All of them seem to veer off
at the last second. Seems the weather has been playing off
my emotions for forever. I dunno. Maybe is cuz I've been on
my rag for what? the second week is it? or the third? I
can't keep track anymore. I just bleed. I don't know why. I
won't menstruate for months then out of nowhere I bleed and
I don't stop. Maybe that's why I've been depressed lately.
I mean raelly down. I keep time traveling and thinking
about the past. Totally disrespecting time altoghether and
wishing I could go back to when it was simple. All so
simple. Wishing I could go back to when I had Julie, when I
had Erika...just those two are in my head now.

Julie I guess I really miss. I've been writing her for the
past 3 days and I haven't heard from her. Which is kinda
weird cuz this is from the the chick that I knew to
religiously sit in front of her comp. I've been thinking of
moving to Michigan and getting away from everyone here.
Just disappearing.

I just feel so damn alone. Like no one wants me. I don't
captivate anyone in anyway. Well everyone except one. Kim.
She's in love with me. Immensley. But I can't go to her. I
know we will never work out. I'm not in love with her, nor
can I ever be again. It's just too late. But sometimes I
can't help but go to her even for the smallest amount of
comfort. For the smallest amount of caress...human contact.
And I feel terrible afterward because afterwards, she has
the wrong impression...and I hurt her more.

I need to start new. A clean slate. Somewhere were no one
knows me. Were I can be alone and literally be alone. Not
alone w/ friends right down the street who can't seem to
make time for me. Not even half an hour to go out for a
sec. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm terrible company and no one's
let me know about it yet. Maybe I'm annoying or intrusive
and no one's let me know. Please tell me if I am. I wanna
know. I really do. Why do I ask? no one has the address to
this thing so I'm the only one who reads this. Which i
guess is a good thing cuz I could probably offend a lot of
people if I ever got really mad.

I feel like I hate everyone. Like no one is trying to help
me no matter how loud I cry out. All i ever get is an "I'm
sorry"...I don't want your pity. I want your advice, your
comfort. I thought I had friends. I was wrong. The only one
who comes when I'm sad, when I cry, when I'm alone, when I
die is Rain. He's the only one. He knows me. He knows when
I need him and he comes to me and i'll love him forever for
that. I don't care what anyone says anymore. I don't care
if you think i'm negative or pretty or ugly or attractive
or selfish or lazy or annoying or offensive. I'm just gonna
be me, shut the hell up and go. I'm just gonna go.




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