polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2003-09-29 03:17:22 (UTC)

the boyfriend list

my boyfriend came to my house today. he and our other good
friend came to work on a science project we have due
sometime or other in the near future. they weren't here
that long, but we seemed to have alot of time on our hands.
we goofed off alot, and spent most of the time laughing.
i'm not even sure what we were laughing about.

ya, we don't do alot. well i see him every day at school
and all, and i've spent a few weekends with him, but we
don't do anything. we can't get real close. he's a
shy one.

i had alot of problems with past relationships. i always
got dumped (because i'm a fat, ugly, dramatic, psychotic
dumbass!) my first boyfriend, he got me with the "this is
too long for our age, can we just be friends?" thing.
second boyfriend was a HUGE mistake, i dunno maybe i was on
the rebound. we had nothing in common. third boyfriend was
horrible. now we're just buddies but i dont see him much.
fourth boyfriend was actually somethin'. it started off
with me just being obsessed and not saying anything, then a
friend of mine played cupid and on the day we thought would
be our last to ever see eachother, he kissed me (or he went
for it, someone else in my class messed it up.) then we
caught up with eachother over the summer and, well, he
dumped me before i went on my trip. he said it was because
he wasn't sure if he could stay loyal while i was gone, and
because he was off to high school and i was stuck in junior
for another year. the dick. so then i was just on my own
for a while.

maybe it was my hair. lord knows guys care only about
looks. maybe they didn't like the color. i'm not too sure
what you'd call this color. it's sort of brownish-copperish-
auburnish-scarletish. maybe i'm too skinny, though i abuse
myself and call myself fat, excuse to starve myself for a
day or two before i shovel food again.

or maybe

it's because i'm violent. my issues. my stages of
unhappiness. maybe it's not being able to care about
someone so much, and not know if they'll be there the next
day.

oh but this guy. my guy, he makes me happy. i swear to
god i haven't been this happy, this truly happy, in a
really long time. i've smiled before, i've laughed before.
but it was all blanket smiles and laughs.

i'm really really happy now. he doesn't worship me or
anything. i have that sticker that says 'worship me like
the goddess i am'. but i'm oh so far from worshipped. he
tells me i'm "hott" and he puts himself down, calling
himself fat and all.

he has this kind of quirky boyish quality, and there's just
so much that he makes me think about. he's hilarious to
watch. his eyes. he has these georgeous eyes. haha, and he
eats like a hamster. i can't blame him, food makes me do
wierd things too.

today we just had so much fun, sittin on the couch, his arm
around me and my head resting on his shoulder...for about a
minute before we'd crack up again.


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