would the world stop spinning
2003-09-28 21:31:30 (UTC)

the worlds a mess and your my only cure

well well... been over a month since i wrote.
good news, bad news.....old news,new news.
last i wrote i'd been an ass and screwed up something
wonderful,something i'd been wishing for for so long...well
i preceded to do it some more...just like me huh?
caela needed her time and i couldn't give it to her partly
b/c i'm selfish and was too afraid of what the outcome
would be,and partly b/c i couldn't grasp why she needed it.
when she'd finally got her things figured out an dcome to a
comfortable spot where she could explain to me how she
felt,i couldn't handle it and said i couldn't be with her
at this time... tho the entire time all i wanted was to
have her sitting in front of me,kissing me,touching me.

so i waisted weeks,hurting her,hurting myself....and for
what? subconsiously trying to kill it like i have cuz i'm
scared of how good it can be and then be takin away.
to prove a point to myself,that i was really able to keep
from being hurt,if so i was wrong.
was i trying to fix myslef b/c i was hurt...yes,to some
extent i was trying to put things back into place after
being hurt and confused.

above all i almost completely lost the one true thing i was
looking for all along,to think of that now makes my heart
ache, and i'm not sure where this is leading right now.. i
have been able to go spend a few nights with her and they
have been so amazing,just to have her that close to me.

i'm still scared of things i don't talk about,like that i
love her already,so soon...that i could so easily be hurt
b/c of that. that she IS leaving and i AM scared of what
will happen after..that i have no control over that.that
she may never be able to trust me enough to be with me
again....that i very well could have ruined something so
great,that makes me so happy,for good.

everything else in my life seems kinda small right now..
i feel a little down about some things.i got a new puppy,
her name was carrie...after i'd had her for 3 weeks she
died from a virus she caught,i was lucky enough to be able
to get her brother..not the same at all but it's still
great to have a new puppy.
i'm trying to finally get things together,to build myself a
better future...i am trying to get all of my school things
together so i can go back next quarter,have a bank account
to put my money in,get a job and it's alot to think about
but it what i know i have got to do to live and be happy
and do it all on my own.

more later.