2003-09-28 17:30:40 (UTC)

its a heartbreak even situation

wow my mother really hurt my feelings this morning. im
still angry.. i mean she gets like that a lot but i guess
it was like a big "WELCOME BACK TO YOUR REAL LIFE" after a
nice weekend.

so i was working on this little book for ashley-stuf. and
i was reading old entries , searched for stuf that would be
about her... and it didnt work... a whole bunch of them
that came up were mainly about caroline... and it made me
really mad because reading back on it, i was just so
fucking stupid... i knew THEN that i loved her but i
wouldnt tell her... I mean I know its god awfully stupid
for me to be thinking about things like this but it makes
me so mad because it could have all been so different if
either one of us had any ability to communicate.

DEC 01 - ME
i didnt want him to come back and i dont want to fall for
this bullshit again. i dont need him. shes better. i
LIKE her more. why is he trying to fuck with that? just
cus he can?? i won't let him.

dec 2001- i like her so much. its scary. but its good
happy scary most of the time like i love being around her.
this is certainly a better christmas time than last year,
so far. except its ot cold but thats nothing compared to
shitty last year... what scares me is that she COULD do
that to me.. like, she means enough to have the power to do
it if that makes sense, but i think she wont.. and
anything she does that upsets me isnt on purpose..

JAN 02 - ME
you know, i feel like a better person because of her. she
is soo great. i want to tell her but the only way i can
say she will freak out and its annoying because sometimes i
want to so much but i feel stupid...


if you only knew the things i was to afraid to tell you.
if you only knew the things you put me through.
if you only knew the pain i have been through.
if u only knew how i felt about you.
if only i could tell you.
if only i wasnt such a fool.
if only i had time to save this.
if only i couldnt tell the future everytime.
if only i could just be blind.
if only you knew i would die for you.
if only we could work this through.
if only i wasnt scared of loosing you.
im so scared of loosing but i know i have already lost.

i like her so so much but this isnt making me happy and i
dont know why. i mean it was. and i know how i am and i
know if it doesnt get better im just guna stop and i dont
want that but i dont think she really cares either way...

i talk, but do you listen?
you dont talk and i want to listen.
i want to listen to every word you could ever think to say.
and it pisses me off.
i dont understand whats going on and i HATE HATE HATE
HATE not understanding.
i hate feeling unsure and unsafe.
just exactly when i started feeling sure and safe
thats how it goes with me i guess.
what goes around comes around?
is it coming around?
why else would you back away as i got closer?
and after all the times i havent let myself care,
this time i really fucking do. a lot,
what goes around comes around...
i've managed to look past all the little shit..
-which is really big shit to me-
but not as big and important as you have become.
and i told you from the start
i thought i made it very clear
and NOW you decide to be "cautious."
as soon as i realize what i want, what i need,
as soon as i start thinking the way i NEVER think,
then you back off?
cautious...careless... whatever.
its all the same to me.
im stupid for thinking i could make anything work.
stupid for believing in me and anyone.
i was so proud : this time i wont fuck up!
put you first, put you ONLY
words i dont even use anymore running through my mind.
-but not yours.
well shit.
and i dont know what to do now.
should i just go back to how i was?
if i cant make this work, im never trying again.
if i have fucked this up, im giving up.
i'd sooner go back to ho-time.
feeling dirty and alone and shitty.
then feel like this.
but i dont want to give up yet..
i dont want to walk away,
i want you to want me to stay.
but where exactly do i fit into your life?
or do i at all?
i dont think theresreally much room for me.
what goes around comes around.
i hurt someone because someone else hurt me because someone
else hurt them, or maybe just cus they're a pyscho.
it doesnt matter.
what goes around comes around.
and it looks like its my turn again...


there is adrienne and that was good but i
think shes gunna leave me cause i cant make her happy cause
somewhere along ther lines i lost her and i just wish she
would be like she was when i first met her.. i thought damn
she really likes me maybe this one will work but no like
everything else good in my life she will be gone.....

JAN 02- ME
im so mad. im like really mad. shes really being
a bitch to me. like its really making me not care to deal
with it anymore and that makes me mad.

DOING THIS AGAIN I WANT TO DIE. it seems like it never
mattered to you? WHAT. what. what. what.. what.
fucking. what. what. never mattered to me? NO bitch. no
bitch, if it never mattered to me i believe i would have
done things a little bit differently. i would have done
things A LOT differently.



i hate diana and i hate matt and i hate everyone fucking up
my chance at a happy existance.


JAN 02 - ME
jesus christ. i just feel like im just another person, one
of the masses,im nothing special or important to her.. i
cant deal well with that...

JAN 02 - HER

i need a job and i need to take adrienne to
the doctor cause she needs to get better cause ill be
damned if i ever see her go before me... fuck that im older
i have fucked up my body for years and i am far less
deserving to live than she is ...shes goin to the doctor
this is important for her and to me ..she better not fight
me on this..she doesnt understand how many people care
about her...

JAN 02 - ME
dawn was having my problems. shes like "he doesnt
understand me." "we're such different people." its funny
but im gus and shes caroline. shes like "i wont say i love
you and he does and it makes me feel weird," and "sex
isnt important to me," and he likes to be all really
affectionate and call her baby and shit and how he always
wants to be the center of her world and have her be the
center of his.. it was funny. anyway.

i dont know if anyone has the kind of days where u just
want to be held... i never used to but i think im getting
weak and i need to stop cause it will only ruin me in the
end .. i wish i knew what it is.. i wish i knew the rule
about this kind of thing ..i wish i was more
expereinced in this department .. so i would just know that
these feeling are coming and i would just know the right
thing to say and do everytime.i would just be able to be
strong and knowledgable and dependable and not so hopeless
and such a loser.. and i dont know i just ahhh...i hate not
understanding new feelings. i know they are good but i dont
knwo what to do with them and all i want is to be held ...
(oh that sounds so weak)but its how i felt all day
a little child lost in a dream screaming for my
strength ..dont leave this what it feels like to
be happy it the need to be loved that makes the
happiness....or is it the recept of love that make it..
cause id be happy if i could just be held right
now.....damn im a big ol pussy right now..what the fuck
happened to my strenght i better get it back i dont know if
i like this needing affection feeling especially at times
when it cant be filled.....
i want her to go to the doctor she needs to be better so
she wont always feel gunna have to find a way to
make some money real fast.i hate to see her in pain and i
know she is ...damn it i need money..

FEB 02 - HER
if i could only turn my heart of for this and move on but i
wont ever leave cause i still think of a few times when it
felt like this was the real thing for me ... i need to know
that love exists i need to know that im what is being
thought about cause i know what i think about im to much of
a romantic to not have a FULLY committed ..

JAN 02 - ME
he said he was guna call me sometime this week to chill..
chill=head. not happening. not fucking happening. im not
fucking this one over. i just hope she doesnt do it first.
well shes here again so i gotta go.

it was so fucking hard i NEVER EVER say no to him and what
do i get for that anyway fucking still no trust it doesnt
matter if i do things or not she wont trust me because i
am, im a cheater everyone knows it, but this is the
furthest ive gotten in even trying to do a monogamous thing
but no one cares about that.... i feel like i felt last
fucking december all time fucking low and i prayed i would
never feel like this again and i do i cant stop crying and
i just want to lay in bed i want to fucking die i feel so
lonely and so empty

and i think trust is a big thing to i mean i try to trust
but its to hard when u know that the other person isnt
thinking the same way u are ....

i dont want to lose the hope that i have that one day ill
finnaly see it and feel it in her eyes the way i feel...who
says aquarians arent emotional and romantic maybe we just
get tired of getting hurt...hope that one day she
will feel the same way i do about me instead of her
past.... u can love someone or ur In love with someone and
though i could be In love i think we will remain friends
with benefits... i wonder sometimes who is really ammused
by whos affections.

there are just so so FEW people that i NEED and LOVE that i
cant afford to give them up, especialy when she doesnt give
up shit, when she cant even give up partying for one night
to be with me on new years, and she cant give up being
social to not chill with certain people
that upset me....if this was something completely mutual
where i felt completely secure and safe and like i was the
center of her world... then maybe it would be easier for me
to understand, but this is not fair to me

i dont understand why she thinks she is not a good g/f i
think i should be the judge of that and if im happy then i
dont see why she should think she isnt good i think shes
good, i dont need much and it was more than anyone had ever
done for me when she gave me the flowrs yesterday that was
a great suprise i was in such a pissed off mood when i left
work cause it sucked at the bar and it was just a nasty day
and then i get to my car and it all went away cause there
on my car was some flowers it was great one of the best
feelings i have ever had and it made that whole shitty day
just go away...

aahhhh i just want it back the way it used to
be..i hope we can work this out cause i just
want to see her eyes in mine again.....aaaahhhh how did i
get this far when did my heart jump to my sleeve.

FEB 02 - ME
i tried to talk to caroline again today but she wouldnt
have it shes just really cold and short with me so you know
whatever, thats great.

Im stopping this now.. this is not how i remember it being.
was i not the bitch? i dont understand. how can my
memories and reality be so fucking different?

but isnt it just CRYSTAL clear how much communication
problems we had? it doesnt even sound like we're both
talking about the same fucking thing.

but oh my god this is absolutely fucking ridiculous. she's
like in a fucking car somewhere in fucking georgia by now
with that fucking bitch and i have 5 billion important
things to do and ive been reading this shit for seriously
hours. i did NOTHING TODAY. i left tampa so early to get
home and do my stuf and i did nothing. except think and
read this and smoke like 2 packs of cigarettes. im so
pissed off. i just want to go to bed and forget this shit.
i start that job tomorrow. and i didnt write my paper. or
cut my hair. im so mad.