sparky

adventures in my head
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2001-10-09 05:31:10 (UTC)

entry no.1

i feel like i need to tell all to someone but doubt people
i know will understand.

today it happened again. i'm taken over by what seems like
another force. the desire to be with another man. i had a
compulsive urge to do something about this recurring desire
of mine and actually called a guy i met on the net. it felt
good. it was like a drug, i needed it. i look up porn, chat
with other men, and it's like something has taken over me.
i forget about my g/friend, my whole life. for a little
while i am someone else.

then it's all over and i feel awful. hollow inside, a
betrayer. i feel like i need to get this all out but i know
i can't tell her. i have come to accept myself that i am
bi, but i don't think i could tell her. she already has
esteem problems. i feel as though i need to protect her
from me hurting her. that's more important than clearing my
conscience. i deserve to feel awful. she doesn't.

we've been together a long time, long enough for us to know
each other very well. i wonder if she suspects anything.
before we were going out she suspected i might be gay. i
had some suspicion i was too, but denied i was. i was
young. i decided i wouldn't be able to feel this way about
her if i were gay. and people say calling yourself bi is a
cop-out - like you will do anything that moves. i wish i
were hetero, or that if i were bi, it would have dawned at
me at some other stage, not now. i like my life a lot. we
say we're going to be together forever, and i hope this is
the truth. she is such a beautiful person and i wonder if
she deserves me. and i know she loves me, a lot, and it
would kill her if she knew about my secret side.

i feel stupid typing this here and now. i am not
homophobic, and i would probably see men if i didn't have a
girlfriend. so i'm not punishing myself over that side of
things. i have gay male friends but i can't talk to them
because they are her friends too. i just wish it were
possible to suppress that side of me. tuck it away for the
rest of my life.

i sometimes think that maybe i'm not really attracted to
men and i just have a psychological need to be loved by a
man, perhaps a father figure. not like my father was never
around, though we never were really close. and i do find it
difficult to have a conversation with him. i wonder if this
love from men i'm seeking is something related to that. or
perhaps this is my minds way of coping with what is
actually a natural urge that i don't want to admit to.

i'm not attracted to any men in particular, and nor can i
ever see myself fucking another man, i just like the idea
of expressing myself sexually with a man. i want him to
touch me and pleasure me, but not fuck me. and i want him
not to have a face, and for him to be unable to see my
face. the 2 of us just using each other to fill some gap in
our lives, but not to get emotionally connected in anyway.

it was scary talking to someone on the phone. he was
masterbating and i didn't know how i felt. once i relaxed a
bit it wasn't so bad. when i came i felt disgusting. i
showered and swore to myself that it would never happen
again. i'll restrict myself from certain websites and not
get involved with others like this again. but i always say
this. it's like when i cum i return to reality. i reinhabit
my body and see what i've actually done. i've abused
myself, and insulted someone i love very much.

sometimes i try to console myself with the idea that
monogamy isn't so important after all. we are just animals,
right. and this would be fair enough if she felt the same
way, but she doesn't. so effectively i am cheating on her.
i am abusing the trust she has in me to be hers only. i am
so awful that i want to hurt myself. perhaps i crave to be
hurt in a sexual way, by these imaginery men that keep
haunting my mind. the ones without faces.

i like the anonymity of the internet and chat rooms. it's
so easy to become less inhibited and express myself in ways
i have never done before. nobody can see me. nobody knows
that most of what i'm telling them is lies. perhaps it's a
power trip on my behalf. i don't know.

but i do know that everytime i do it, i promise myself
never again. same story every time. sometimes i can
restrain myself and stay away for a while. but it's like a
vicious cycle. once i retaste it i want more and more and
can't stop until i've gone to far. i can't seem to control
myself and berate myself for being so weak and giving in to
these desires.

i wonder if these symptons don't just belong to me and my
fucked up mind. i wonder if every hetero man has these
urges. but perhaps this is wishful thinking. just me
wanting to be able to say "see, i am normal. this is
normal". i don't believe it though. just another idea that
serves to ease my guilt.

well i guess that's all i have to say. perhaps i can use
this diary next time i have these desires. i feel like i'm
saying that such desires are evil. they are not, and they
are natural, it's just that i want to avoid them somehow,
as then my life would be so much easier and i could be
myself and stop hiding bits to protect myself and others.

end here.


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