Jammes14

Mercury
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2003-09-27 07:16:32 (UTC)

lost in translation

few things have been happening. none of which are all that
positive. first of all, im near the trench of my
oscillation. last night i cried pretty hard. first time i
cried for a while. it was mostly because of an
accumulation of disappointments, embarrassments, and
guilt. the topic of my sobbing was that i couldn't feel. i
just couldn't feel happiness. all my life, and ive never
had that feeling. its always been so artificial. its like
ive never really been born. i haven't tasted life.
socialization still doesn't mean shit to me. friends have
never really given me happiness. i have great friends, but
being with them always has a negative effect. i feel the
best when im alone. and i still feel awful. i want to take
the path where im alone. i want to get by life, talking to
others the least amount possible.

i think there's only 2, maybe 4, things that i look
forward to or enjoy in life. first is sleep. anything
besides consciousness is good for me. sleep is an escape
from life. the second is music. it has an effect on me, a
lot of music makes my situation worse, but some can make
me feel better. the other 2 possible things that could
improve my life are pot and booze. ive never tried either,
but from what ive heard, it might help me. its still up in
the air though.

anyway, back to the title, i saw lost in translation
tonight. everyone said it was great, even my friend, who
isn't a big fan of indie movies, said it was way better
than what he had expected. but i just didn't feel it. it
felt like something was missing. i think the part that was
missing was me. there's something missing in me, the part
that feels. since i dont react to friendship, and i often
react bizarrely to love, this film just didn't reach me. i
wish that it did, though, it sounded so good. maybe i was
looking too hard.

i hope i passed the pit of my oscillation. i think things
are improving just a bit, but the last few weeks have been
the worst of my life. i hope ill be able to accept myself
soon. i really want to feel happy, but something is in the
way. everyday im more aware of myself, and what i want,
and thats what bill murrey said was the key to happiness.
guess im just different.


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