2003-09-26 03:00:55 (UTC)

its been awhile since i could hold my head up high

and it's been awhile since i first saw you

and its been awhile since i could stand on my own two feet

and its been awhile since i could call you

and it's been awhile since i could say that i wasn't
and it's been awhile, since I can say I love myself as well
and it's been awhile, since I've gone and things up just
like I always do
and it's been awhile, but all that shit seems to disappear
when i'm with you

Yeah. she didnt call... I guess i'm not surprised. but i
wont see her now for like. 3 weeks... because this weekend
I'm going to tampa... next week she's on VAFUCKINGCATION
and then the next weekend i'm going to be in gainesville
for the conference...... so. whatever. i keep hoping this
dumb bitch is going to drive her nuts next week but its
probably going to be like. the opposite. LET IT GO

ANYWAY..... last season of friends premiered tonight. fuck
yeah. i forgot. so it was exciting.

i swallowed my ball this morning.... which is incredibly
insane because YESTERDAY i was thinking, i used to lose
those ALL the time but i dont anymore. and this morning i
was taking my pills and i was driving and smoking and yknow
putting in a cd or something and i guess it was just too
much cus all of a sudden it was gone and the barbell was
like. on my uvula. so that would have really pissed me
off if i swallowed that too... i probably will in my sleep.

so the girl that called Peter (the old guy) said it was
true he had 5 charges when he was young and one of them was
a felony... is it fucked up that it makes me sad that its
still following him around? it really makes me want to
cry. because i can be a bad judge of character but he was
such a sweet old dork...

I was writing today..

"I had a realization in class today of one of the maybe
defense mechanisms I use that I knew I did but never really
saw this way... it was actually two things. I haven't
decided if I'm going to Tampa or not... I didnt really
CARE, well at least it wouldnt be a deciding factor that he
would be upset, we never have time together anymore, even
to talk every day- but I guess I didnt want to feel like
the bad guy... I'd rather have it on him... So my Dad is
going to West Palm Beach Sunday... they wanted to go for
the weekend but Mom has to work... so I said "hey, so can
I spend the night Friday and SAturday night?" Knowing that
he would say no, and knowing that I had no need, desire or
intention to do so. So.. "Well, I'm not staying home alone
so I guess I'll go to Tampa this weekend.." Yes, he whined
about thigns he planned for us, but it was in his fault,
not mine. Not something I'm proud of, playing games.. but
I do this a lot.

The more important thing I noticed, theres this little
girl, sort of slutty and typical, with this tiny shirt and
rolled up cheerleader shorts... she was asking him about
the story we were supposed to read and I was surprised that
I still feel jealousy, when I care so much less lately..
but I immediately thought, oh well I'm going to Tampa so I
feel better that I'm doing that. LOL...

This is the problem I have... it goes way back to little
children, when you learn that if you're mean it makes you
feel better... except I do it sort of backwards, like
before I even feel too bad... and I turn it into the
chicken game, like the whole thing with caroline, if she
wasnt running around with that bitch I would have tried
harder and if I wasn't reacting to that she wouldn't have
been running aorund with that bitch... yeah, the chicken

anyway... i have to take a shower... get some sleep...
hopefully it wont be raining tomorrow night... if it is, I
wont drive to tampa. so it better not be.

okay. well guess i'm not even guna talk to her tonight.
or for like a week. OH MY GOD THANK GOD i work like crazy
all week and i wont have time to think about it thats
driving me insane... gotta go im done thinking

and it's been awhile, since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile, snce I said I'm sorry
and it's been awhile, since I've seen the way the candle
lights your face
and it's been awhile, but I can still remember just the way
you taste