Tainted in shackles

Unintentional/iInTeNtiOnal DaMagE
2003-09-24 18:08:58 (UTC)

Whats new, well it's been awhile since i needed to write in here

Whats new, i'll tell you whats new NOT ENOUGH thats what.
Im so sick of thinking about everything i wish some one
would just pick me up and hold me caaressing sometimes to
keep me calm. Sometimes i just want to scream maybe it'll
make me feel better. Micheal used to do that he used
comfort me just by talking to me, i miss him so much i wish
things would have been different between us. It looks at it
now like he fucked up and well thats because he did. He
broke up with mee and now he and i both reget it i mean we
were perfect but he felt it needed to be done. I wish he
hadn't though. I love him and i always will.
I've been talking to him lately on the phone and just like
i feared....the worst is yet to come. How so, well if i get
feelings back for him and im with daniel all hell is likely
to break loose on my part because i love daniel but i lov
micheal too.
Me and micheal go way back i think i was like 16 when i
met him. That day me an Boo were walking through the paark
and i was hesitant about walking through because of the
guys playing basket ball and ...well boo, being boo want ed
to so we walked through . All eyes were on us as we walked
through the park i think i was going to get my brother. But
we might have just been going for a walk...no matter. No as
we reached to edge of the park a few of them were still
watching us.Because of the direction we wwere coming from i
really couldn't see who was atrractive and who wasn't but i
knew that there was some cutesies over that way. To tell
you the truth i kind of like the attention that we were
getting, but i wasn't expecting to meet the first boy wwho
i had ever loved and later gave my everything to for the
first time. We ended up going to the store or somethin and
on our way back. One of the guys were like hold up a sec.
the other on with him i recognized becausei used to talk to
his brother when we were like in the 6th and 7th grade. I
couldn't stand him when i was younger but i had forgot all
about it and we decided to wait for them to come from the
other side of the court. I automatically assumed that they
were coming to talk to Boo. So i dedicide that since i
wan't getting hollered at i would just wait to see how they
looked and watch them get turned down. For some reason i
never hung out with people my own age Boo's was like 6
years older than me...and some how we clicked she was cool
a lil strange at times , but cool none the less. She
remided me of one of those uppity white girls, but she was
black. She is tall like 5'7 or 5'8, Beautiful hair,llight-
skinned, smooth skin, she doesn't have black girl asets
though and her teeth aren't straight. I mean she looks like
a model she's not big...well anywhere i think she weighs
like 125 if that much. But any way she would all ways have
guys hollering at her when we walked together, and it was
funny as hell to me because i knew her type and well they
tried which was the funny part. Well getting back to what i
was saying before. They walked over to us the boy i knew
was kind of cute no thats he had grown up and the other boy
i wasn't sure...because i couldn't see him at first when
they got closer i was like well damn aren't they
cute...well at least i thought it. I sat on the table
waiting for the first one to speak as i pulled some pink
Now-N-Laters out the brown paper bag. To my suprise the one
i didn't know was trying to get at me...i was a lil shocked
to tell you the truth i was dressed really girlly or
anything, i had on some jeans and speghetti strapped shirt
but that was it, and a lil lip gloss. He looked at me and
smiled. I thought damn he is cute but his lips is so
small...(trust me later that wasn't even an issue in the
kissing department). I smiled back while terry conversated
with boo...killing time i guess. We all talked for a while.
Micheal and I ended up exchanging #'s...after they played
ball. They came back over to join us, we were laughing and
talking about nothing important when they came back and was
listening to the radio that we had brought with us. It was
real cool i was diggin him he was funny, sweet, he was just
real cool. We all were getting ready to go i walked Boo to
the other side of the park he walked with and terry left.
He walked with me and when we departed i looked back at him
and smiled...i mean that day as a good day. And to think we
started to walk around the park...lol.

We eneded up talking for hours every night, he told me how
he wanted to sing, i told him how i liked to design. He
told me a lil about his family it was him and his grandma,
they actually lived just a few blocks for me. Which was odd
because i never remembered seeing him before that day. He
told me that he was 15 like me we had alot in common. We
talked all te time he came to visit me often. It was like i
just didn't want to not be around him...it was wierd. In
fact the very first time he came over he shocked the shit
out of me, i was cleaning my room and my mom said: Kowey
there's a boy here to see you. I said a what? She said a
boy he's out side. I was thinking well who could be over
here, i looked in the mirrior checked my self out and
pulled my hair into a ponytail as i went outside. There.
Sitting across the street on the curb was micheal. He was
so cute, i didn't even know he knew where i stayed, being
that he didn't walk me all the way home just partially. He
looked up and dusted his pants i gave hm a hug...(just
being polite***) and asked him what was up. He asked was i
busy i lied and said not really knowing full well i had
clothes all over my room which was the reason i was in the
house in the first place. But thats neither here nor there
he stayed with me til like dusk then we said our byes and
see you laters. I thought about so much that night i never
got around to finishing my room til' the next day.

We talked for month or so and he told me that he needed to
tell me something. It sounded serious i though, dammit just
when i start feeling like im on top of the world here he
goes with the seriousness. I thought over so many things
that i only half heard what he said. I thought everything
from he had a girlfriend he forgot to mention to he was
moving far away some where. But when i asked him to repeat
i wasn't perpared to what he said. He told me thathe had
lied to me when we first met and that he hoped that "this
didn't" change anything between us but he wanted to honest
with me and he liked me alot but he could understand if i
wanted nothing to do with him. Now at this point im like
what could be so bad that he would never want to speak to
him again. Well what he told me was that he had lied about
is age. I'm not 16 im and im not going to the tenth...i was
like huh. I was lost like i said i wwasn't prepared for
that. I said well how old are you 14, i said oh i was in a
daze thinking the worst and he's telling me he was 14. To
tell u the truth i as so relieved than pissed i mean i wa
mad that he lied to me and had he said it from jump, we
wouldv'e have probaly been on any level but just cool. So
it was done he was 14 i was 15, i was going to the 10th he
was going to the 8th!!!! Yeah that was the problem. Then
ithought about it i really didn't make that much of a
difference since my birthday is so late in the year i h
born born 1 day later i would have had to wait a year to
start school because i would have missed the deadline, and
would have been going into the 9th and not the 10th. The
fact that he was so worried about my reaction was the main
reason i decided to let the whole age thing go....he was my
baby ene if he was a year and so months under me. At that
point i didn't care.

We became gf/bf he was over almost all the time i
introduced him to my place sister Q and then hit it off
which was important to me bcause i wanted her to like him.
She was my other half and i love(d) her so much. If
anything ever happened to her i wouldbe so lost . They hit
it off and became best friends doing things that boys do-
whatever that is more over she wasn't a threat
because...She was too much of a tom boy as i found out
later (but i always had a feeling)

I'm tired of typing i'll be back later!

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