jmille02

The Other One I can Talk Too
2003-09-23 14:40:11 (UTC)

My responce....

Well, she emailed me and did not want to leave her out in
the open. Mainly because she was reeming me and trying to
make me feel like shit. She was bitching at me because a
friend of ours told her to read these things and now she
thinks that I am hiding behind this online-diary.

Well, here what I wrote to her....hopefully she does not
think I am hiding from her.

I am sorry you had to find out about it like that. I was
not hiding behind the on-line diary. I just was not ready
to confront you with what it was that I felt and I needed
to get it off my chest. I don't hate you, unfortunately I
feel something that is much worse. To me, being
disappointed in you is so much worse. I never doubted what
you say you felt towards me, I'm just not sure you knew
what you felt. I did love you, and that to me meant not
questioning or doubting what you say you felt, or being
suspicious because you had something to do or something
came up. I'm sorry but do you even remember how many times
you asked me who was she or what her name was, that shit
hurt. All the doubt you showed me and I took it.

As for you running back to me, I don't want you to. I told
you it's your decision to do what you want, and ran to
someone else. That’s why I doubt what you say and said now;
that’s why I'm disappointed in you. Whether or not I still
felt love for you I told you I never stopped caring and it
might take a bit of time for me to feel that way again,
Because if you did actually loved me you would have
waited......I was and am still going to be patient for you,
but loving you the way I did is out of the question. We are
not apart right now because I wanted to be, we are because
you could not handle me not saying that I loved you.

As for me thinking you "might" have done something behind
my back, please just think about it. Flip the situation,
what would be running through your insecure little head.
Hell, throughout almost our entire relationship you thought
I was cheating on you........you can't handle me having a
similar thought after you had and willingly put yourself in
a situation and kissed a guy; now that’s hypocritical. To
just make a point, since we 'broke up', who has already
been with someone else? You might say that you still loved
me, but obviously you did not care enough to think that all
you had to do was admit to yourself was that in time.......
you could have had what you wanted.

In my diary I did not insinuate anything. I was trying to
make a point to myself, that in the eyes of others you were
the only one in the relationship that was giving any reason
for anyone to think that there might be something else. And
yes, I did see something that sat., if you don't realize
it's the same day we broke up. I noticed something; I just
did not want to deal with it. You obviously noticed my mood
changed because you brought up the conversation that led to
it. I figured that now hell you can go be happy with
someone else and they can deal with it. I was just tired of
it, you where to confusing for me and you still are.

No I am not ungrateful; it's just that some things tend to
outweigh others. And don't pull that crap about safety
nets. I told you then that I did not need you to do that, I
had my own plans if anything were to happen. I did
appreciate that you had tried to do something. I just don't
think that you heart was in the right place, it seemed that
everything you were trying to do was to get me to
choose..............
I never ran to you, nor did I take your shoulder but that
one at the park when I was telling you about the bullshit.

I don't care if you feel secure when you’re by yourself,
what would you have to feel insecure about? The problem was
you felt insecure when you were with me.......or anyone for
that matter. As for the maturity thing, told to someone not
in your shoes. As I said previously, I am not nor was I
hiding behind the diary....I just could not tell you a damn
thing yet. I did not, and I still don't have everything
figured out in my head. It's not my fault that Steph told
you to read it. I got tired of people asking me what
happened, and for my side of the story......wtf, last time
I checked I was not in high school. Hell, it did not work
out, shit happens....it’s between me and you, we'll figure
whatever out. Until then I still had shit I had to get out,
and that was my outlet....just like you had your poems from
your other boyfriends, I had the diary.

I'm not e-mailing you to argue with you or because I owe
you a thing, I figure better now than never. For another
point on the maturity thing, have I ever e-mailed you
telling you how much of a better person I am than you, or
than you will ever be. No I have not, nor will I. I won't
sink that low to make myself feel better, and I know that
would hurt you, I don't want that. And I would call you or
try and tell you to your face, but you told me that you did
not want to see me again......that’s you problem. I don't
tell myself lies about you, I'm just not there when you
where used to be at the house before we broke up. Believe
it or not, some of the people that live there are still
decent enough to be my friend...........the only thing is
that I never wanted to believe him when he told me (before
we broke up), but when two others told me the same thing
and happened........and just to ease your mind, I knew you
had kissed Jasiel before you even told me. News tends to
travel fast through the Fiji house.

And now I'm done, I do not plan to e-mail you again....or
to bother you with this again. Just be happy, and I'm sorry
it came to this kind of end.....

Josh

P.S...
I would have responded sooner and had been in class on Sat
(9-20) but my car died on the way to school and I had to
get it towed to the dealer, all they did was replaced the
battery....and it died the moment I got home. So Monday I
was at the dealer again from 8 in the morning to 7 in the
after noon, I had to convince them that the mods to the
engine should not void the warranty to the
Alternator........anyways its fixed now and I didn’t pay a
dime.




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