Ad 2:
2003-09-23 12:44:47 (UTC)

from last night

my father drives me home sometimes and always waits for me
to get inside before he drives off.
this always makes me get a little teary eyed. i have a huge
emotionness for my father. he makes me sad. his little acts
of love make me cry,
maya once said i fall for the guy i do because of my
father. he is an emotionally closed off man but loves me
immensely. so i have learned to take small acts of love and
translate them into big ones. i do this with all men,
perhaps this is a reason why i doubt the truthfulness and
realness when i am paid too much attention to,
maybe the way i was treated by boys when i was younger got
it into my head that no boy will ever like me upon sight,
never feel romantic things after talking to me.
so when one does, in just the right way, i wont name any
names, its hard to let go of that. a love i actually
believed in.
this is why, for those of you who dont understand, why i
took that breakup and that information that he was with
someone else so harshly.
i do, honestly, feel like i am unlovable.
so i just wrote my ex an email, not the bad ex, an ex from
years ago, who was actually very very good to me and who i
tortured relentlessly like a coldhearted bitch.
i didnt believe anyone could really feel that way about me
so fast. he fell in love with me too, after a week. my life
is never normal, they either are a friend, or are totallyin
love with me right away. i resent both.

theres a sadness in my father. there always has been. he
makes me sad when i see he is a little sad. it makes me sad
when he shows he loves me.
so im getting my period tomorrow or the next day and im
hoping ill feel a little more normal then. at least now i
feel more stable and not so all over the place.

there is a certain someone who keeps telling me to be
compassionate towards myself and love myself and i actually
keep saying this to myself because its true, i cut myself
no slack. i can show comapassion to all the world but
nothing when it comes to me.
i am trying

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