2003-09-23 10:42:10 (UTC)

I dont mind spending every day

out on your corner in the pouring rain,
look for the girl with the broken smile,
ask if she wants to stay awhile....

do people really think im happy? it has always drove me up
a wall, how strangers can think they know anything about me
when i know so little myself... people used to say you're
so angry or you're so bitter or you're so this or that...
and then they fail to see anything real about me... on an
average day with pink pigtails and glitter and laughing,
no one stops me and says "why are you so sad today?"
everyone says "You have such beautiful eyes.." but they
dont finish it with "but they're so sad."

and i play this role of this dumb ditzy girl who I'm not -
I'm one of the most intelligent people I know.

like today this guy says to me. "I'm depressed because I
was supposed to go on vacation next month and I can't
afford it." and im like "aww that sucks." but are you
really DEPRESSED about that, buddy? really? you think
so?? maybe from your personal frame of reference. i dont
mean to demean anyone's quality or depth of depression... i
guess its all relative.

It's just all so fake it makes me want to scream... I'm not
happy, I'm busy... I'm too busy now to lay in bed and cry
to myself with a razor in my hand... I dont have time for
it... which is the single most important reason I'm taking
all of this on... yes, I'm god awfully tired, I'm grouchy,
my head hurts... and I know it's just beginning but I dont
CARE about all that because I'd rather be tired than
bored... I really hope I can pull this off because it's

LaDiDaGrl [11:41 PM]: but dont hide.... not just cus i
want to see you, but cus it wont help anything you'll just
feel worse and i'll try to make you feel better
Sleeplessdaze [11:42 PM]: well then we better find more
time to hang out then
Sleeplessdaze [11:42 PM]: cause its that or runaway

it kills me that shes so unhappy.. and i dont know what to
do... i had this weird dream, i was going to tampa, but i
wanted to take a shower first, and ashley was already here
so i dont know WHY we were going to tampa but we were
taking a shower and my mom comes in to give me the phone
because matt called... and she sees ashley and shes talking
to her and that was weird... the next part, was this
morning's dream after i was up from 430-530... and caroline
stopped by before i went to school, and i was getting
ready and we walked the puppy and she was taking her car to
a shop... and i walked her out and i left the puppy at the
gate because he didnt have his leash and i was holding her
hand up to my face and she had all her old rings on, i
remember when she used to wear the one at lexmark i'd get
so sad because right before i got that i realized i was
crazy about her.... anyway and she was like oh i got papers
to look for a job today and i was like good good!! you'll
be fine and we were waliking and i still had her hand and
we saw my door was open to my car, and i was like shit
then my puppy cried so we went back to get him and his
leash and i saw my iguana but he was really big and he was
in the garden and i was like oh my god hes running away and
caroline got him and we went back inside with them and then
i woke up again to barking..

no way am i going to make it through this day in a good
mood. i am so fucking tired. FOUR THIRTY. and he hasnt
been quiet since then. man.

well. time to go to class. its almost 7.