Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
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2003-09-23 05:23:34 (UTC)

a new start

Hi, school is starting up again this Wednesday. I wish I
could say I am totally happy about starting my last year
of school, but tonight I am not happy.

As so often happens I am writing because I am feeling
down. Dave is the reason again. I talked to him for a
bit today and it only made me miss him tons. I haven't
seen him in over 3 months and it is killing me. We didn't
get together before I left for school. We tried, but it
didn't work.

Today he left me for a meeting and never came back. Like
he left for home and didn't sign on there. He is online,
but away still. I miss the heck out of him right now. I
want to simply talk to him for a little bit. It would be
great to ask him when he will come visit me. I know he
won't have any idea when that could happen.

It might be months before he has any time to himself. I
know it would have to be a time when Elissa was busy for a
couple days if he were to come over here. If we met
somewhere it might be easier. He could sneak away for an
evening if she had other plans.

Tonight I fixed a drink. Bacardi Superior goes well with
Orange/Mango flavored Talking Rain water. I put over a
shot in and couldn't taste it at all.

What I find ironic is that I get depressed and drink
because Dave pushes my buttons...he once told me never to
drink when I'm depressed. Yet I do it anyway... I guess
I am hard to figure out. If you're trying, don't bother.

I am a complex person.

So I guess this new start is the not so welcome return of
an old feeling. Feeling like shit because I haven't
gotten to see Dave. Feeling like there is something wrong
with me for caring so much about what happens in his
life. Why the hell should I care so much about a person
who ignores me 90% of the time? At least I feel like he
ignores me. We certainly didn't talk much this summer.

Unless he knows I hate Elissa then I don't see why he
would be so distant every time we talk. He never sounded
really happy to talk about his life or her. He used to
tell me all about his girls and what he was up to. Now he
doesn't say shit to me about anything.

I want to say fuck him and forget he is alive, but I
can't. Something draws me in and won't let me go. Am I
supposed to be feeling like this so I can tel him? Make
him see he's with trailer trash?

I'll leave myself with those questions.

I hope you're lives are going a lot better than mine is
today. You all deserve worry and depression free lives.


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