JulietsSwanSong

Storming in my head
2003-09-21 02:03:44 (UTC)

this day sucks... my poor friend... and it gets awful

This day sucks so far, but there are 4 more hours in which
it could happen to start to get better.
I realized what a horrible and selfish person I am by
pissing someone off and not really caring that I pissed
them off because they constantly piss me off. That is so
horribly wrong of me. Only bad selfish people are like
that. I don't want to be bad ans selfish.

Brian and I were supposed to get together today, and
once again he blew me off. Third strike, you're OUT
bucko. ::sigh:: I say that now....

Then I read the journal of one of my friends, who I
happen to think is a wonderful, kind spirited and gracious
human being, and it was just about what an awful person he
felt like because of how he wrote ONE ENTRY about being
depressed, and how he felt it put pressure on his friends,
and how his actions toward two people, one of whom caused
him incredible heartbreak, were selfish. Shoot, if writing
about being depressed makes you awful, I'm the worst human
being alive!
Twice, his journal brought tears to my eyes, and I told
him, and he said he thought it would be cool if his journal
ever made someone cry. And it did. It made me cry and cry,
because he is so darn... good. Just, every single synonym
for good, and he thinks that his actions reflect that he's
awful. And I just care about this person so much... YOU
KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW...
because he's just so kind at heart, and trying so hard to
overcome things that I SEE are hard for him every day, and
somehow he's always displayed in subtlest ways, a fortress-
like strength. And I admire him so much, and I have to find
a way to tell him this without breaking down in tears, I'm
crying right now as I write this, I know I'm going to have
to go through and correct spelling ... i went over to his
aprtment today with the intent to tell him that he's
wonderful and not to let some stupid journal entry let him
think otherwise, but he was actually about to leave to go
out with his friends for diner and I didn't wanna kill
the "let's go out and have an awesome time together" vibe,
so I didn't say anything... but I will.
Because he deserves to hear it. I don't think he hears
it enough! All I could talk about with him was BS stuff
that I don't even care about, and how crappy my day was,
because that was the second thing on my mind, and he
LISTENED because he's just a compassionate person. He just
sat there so intently, and all I wanted to do was throw my
arms around him and tell him not to ever feel bad for
anything that he is or anything that he does because
everyting that he is has deep roots in a magnificent
person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah... I just took a quick writing break to go to the
office and rewrite some paper work which I apparently did a
shitty job of doing last night, and a few people decided to
take their sweet ass time to tell me how much I suck at my
job, and how I need to be less friendly when I'm on rounds,
and how I need to not write things about my roommates on my
away messages, which,admittedly, I shouldnt be doing,
because who in the heck am I to be able to choose my own
environment? Who the hell am I to be able to have an
opinion and express it? Who am I to be able to do anything
right? Who the HELL am I to think that anything I say
actually could make a fucking difference in the way that
things actually go? Oh wait... yeah... ME!!!

I don't give a
shit about any of that right now. If I'm doign a crappy
job, tell me how to fix it, don't blow fake sunshine up my
ass. Don't tell me how to fucking live my shit ass life,
and don't tell me what to do when I only took this job so I
coudl get the hell away from my family and be the only one
to tell myself what to do. I KNOW I screwed up. I don't
need your bullshit ways of telling me that. I beat myself
up more than you do! Leave me the fuck alone! Stay the hell
out of my "not wanting tostand up people who stand me up"
life. Just go away. Leave
me alone! Don't dig the hole deeper for me. It's already
deep enough. I KNOW THAT! I KNOW THAT! I KNOW THAT!!! I
KNOW
THAT I'M AN AWFUL PERSON AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FFER ANYONE
AND THAT'S WHY NO ONE WANTS ME!!! I KNOW THAT I HAVE
NOTHING
GOOD INSIDE ME FOR ANYONE TO WANT OR NEED OR *ANYTHING*. I
KNOW THAT I AM BAD! I KNOW I'M AWFUL! I KNOW THAT I SUCK! I
KNOW THAT I'M A HUGE FUCKING LOSER WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THE
AIR SHE BREATHES!!! SO COULD YOU PLEASE LET ME DO THE SAME
LAME ASS JOB ON MY PAPERWORK
AND

LEAVE

ME


THE


FUCK

ALONE????

Why does everything seem to tumble down all at the same
time from nothing? I HATE myself right now.


All I want right now is someone to remind me of who I am. I
need a hug...


~Ellena




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