2003-09-20 09:26:20 (UTC)


some things are funny-

number one being i just checked the status of this email i
wrote some kid yesterday, he read it today at 320 in the
morning, its now 430. hes not one to stay up late and im
wondering what he was doing. i am such a loser.
really, i really am. i talked to a number of men tonight, i
blew off all of them, really the last one i gave my number
to, i dont know why cause i wont call him back, and i never
pick up for unfamiliar numbers because i do this frequently-
give my number to men when i am drunk. i have to stop
doing this.
i for some reason care, about this email kid. i shouldnt.
for a number of reasons,
i really hope to holy god he doesnt read these diary entry
thigns. i gave him the link a few months ago and i know he
read them but i dont think he still does. i know he doesnt.
not for sure but i have a good feeling. its good at least
to know i can still trust my feelings. hahhah and he'd
think i was psychotic, writing a diary entry about him
i like him cause hes fucked up
and i like fucked up guys
cause obviously theres something wrong with me
i like understanding them
and putting them at ease
and showing them a good time when nothing else can
im good at these things.
and i know
im attracted to depressed and fucked up men because that
kind of person obviously has a depth of thought and feeling
to them that is so profound they simply cannot deal with
it, and thats something think is beautiful.
but im also attracted to those bruce songs. songs of faith
and love and rising up from that rotten tarpit. thats even
sexier, to know real and true depression, insanity, and to
overcome it, and see beauty and love and faith and good
shit again.
its beautiful to have some kind of reasonable hope, in the
face of the shit that is the world, or the shit it seems to
i dont know, as fucked up as i can be sometines, i very
much like living, and life, and think there are endless
wonders at every cornor endlesss ways to look at things,
endless things to learn and ways to grow. i dont know, the
accumulation of information just seems like the coolest
thing ever. hahahha. seems like a stupid thought.

im drunk right now. but i had a good day today. i woke up
and knew i was feeling normal. i didnt have work but did
good things like sleep in ( i needed to SLEEP i was SO
TIRED ALL THIS PAST WEEK) masturbate 3 times (hoorah!
release!) went for a nice long walk to astoria park (cool
and windy) bought a new shower curtain (dolphins jumping
out of ocean yay!) huge iced coffee, came home and cleaned,
dishes, put away clothes, did some decorating, good,
productive day. then met rita and went to the san gennaro
feast (fun) ate dinner there (very good, we sat outside so
FUCKING law is KILLING me) we drank loads of wine, then
went around to bars all over the city. so funny, the
different feels of the different neighborhoods. and all so
close. we ended up at a dive bar in hells kitchen by the
port authority where all the sleazeballs decended on us.
even they thought we were lesbians. everywhere rita and i
go,they all think we're lesbians. im not quite sure why.
maybe cause we make it clear we've no intention to go back
to their apartments/get down on our knees/ suck face. maybe
in the future it would be best to let 'em go ahead and
think that....
i do wonder, sometimes, why on earth everyone isnt gay, it
makes so much more sense . you understand your own sex so
much better dont you?
i WISH i was a lesbian

i said that above sentence in a bar bathroom one night,
this was the ensuing exchange:
"so why don't you be?" (girl in bathroom)
"cause, unfortunately i like men." me
"you dont like men, honey, you just like COCK."
sometimes i think, maybe she was right.