Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2003-09-20 09:09:33 (UTC)

casanova overdrive


another rant about my issues with grrls.

i really hate meeting grrls, finding them
so damned interesting, so fascinating,
and well, imediatly i find myself, for lack
of a better term.. wanting them..

in not just the physical, but the mental
as well... i hate this feeling i have...

i don't think i can be in a relationship with
anyone right now, other than one based
on sex... and that of course, pisses me
off even more...

i want to love, be loved.

held, carressed, touched, laughed with
laughed at, laughed for....

all these and more...

but, i am trapped within my self loathing
i seem to get wrapped up in the complete
bullshit i seem to entrench my life in...

i would like to meet someone who would
make the effort to know me, understand me
and be there for me, the way i want to be
there for them...

but no one does, no one makes the effort.
i wonder if it's because i push them away.
or that maybe i telegraph that i need someone
want someone to take care of me, and let
me take care of them...

it's too much to ask it seems...

and yet, i am so alone, so lonely in general
that i seem to fall for anyone who even
remotely shows an interest in me...

but i don't fall for just anyone, they have to
radiate, they have to have compassion, have
to be intelligent, emote and be creative.

i find them, sometimes, accidentally.. sometimes
i don't think it's luck, but perhaps kismet.

and so i sigh, and whine, and rant, and rave.

and then i feel sorry for myself, and drown
my sorrows in apathy and boredom....

i need a hobby, not the one i have chosen
as a life path, but one that is not so, self
destructive of my soul, but one that can
complete me in such a way that i too can
be a nice, normal, everyday person...

who the fuck wants to be normal? not I.

and i dont think i could be if i tried...

so, i have 2 grrls, whom i would like to date,
go out with, spend some time with..

neither are even remotely attainable..

the one here, is not interested, the one
afar, too far away...

such is my life...

such is the way of things...