Pandora

Perhaps the Grass is Always Greener

20 Sept 2003
1:50 a.m.
Saturday

I feel like I understand why women say that their 30s
is the best decade of their life; their teens spent being
absolutely crazy and their 20s spent still figuring out
who they were and their place in the world. I think I feel
like that now. I'm barely in my 20s and I think I feel the
most insecure I've ever felt in my life (which is
ridiculous, given that I was once 13 years old). I've
never been more unsure of myself or my place in the world.
I'm not positive that this will all become clearer in the
next decade (although that is my greatest hope) and I do
wonder if it's just a case of the grass being greener on
the other side...of the age fences. Maybe when I'm thirty
I'll wish I were twenty again (althogh I sincerely hope
not) and hate myself for not appreciating all the
opportunities of youth and the fact that you can still
have grand expectations when you're twenty, but when
you're thirty you have to actually deliver.

Or maybe I don't know shit. But I think I am somewhat
accurate in all my self reflecting. For example, I am
extremely physically insecure, which is interesting
because when I was in junior high I was less attractive
and extremely popular (and granted, popularity is
arbitrary in junior high, but given that most people I
talk to hated junior high, I think there's something to be
said for the fact that junior high didn't make me want to
slit my wrists). Also, I live with (and love) my roomate,
whose life is far more hectic than I would want mine to
be. She has a million committments, she never has free
time, she's always busy and always wishes she had more
time to study and sleep. Separate from that is the fact
that I think she's one of the most beautiful people I've
ever seen (although she'd dispute that) I wish I were as
smart as she was and on every other Tuesday I wish we
could trade lives. Admittedly, it's unrealistic to want to
trade lives with someone (EVERYONE has their bullshit; at
least my bullshit is MY bullshit) especially since there
are things about everyone's life that are
horrible/wonderful. There are things about her that are
wonderful that I envy. And there are things that are
horrible that I am immensely grateful for never having had
to experience (that's a completely different subject). And
if asked, she'd probably say that she envied how smart I
was and various things about my life that are enviable.
But some days...I can see why envy is one of the seven
deadly sins.

But maybe all of this can be attributed to weird
hormonal things. Or maybe I'm just in a funk. Perhaps I
should just take a valium so I can go to sleep.