2003-09-19 05:26:45 (UTC)

hyperconsciousness is a drag

i was just washing my hands. i was trying to light this
candle , a smelly one cause i lit a roach. i got my hands
all black from the candle so i was washing them. with a
sponge and something about the position of the stains and
cleaning them off made me thinkof a dream i had in the last
year somewhere, a dream far off away i felt was important.
more important than washing my hands. i also had a dream of
thses cabinets, that i remembered when i was cleaning them
right before i moved in, the rememberance made me think,oh,
i am supposed to live here.
i have this necklace right here, that i got for maya from
bermuda. in the same baggie is also an anklet, a very
pretty one that i cant wear cause i always gotta wear
sneakers cause of this stupid ingrown toenail
i decided to just write bullshit like above whenever i feel
like it.

(time elapse)
so i just took a dump, and my shitting material these days
is one of them literary jounrals i bought the other day. i
read this story called raymond and the elephants and i
swear its not just cause im stoned but it was a great
fucking story.
i wish i could write like how i used to.
hyperconsciousness is a drag.
i said id feel weird teaching, i feel weird in front ofa
classroom cause you know no one is giving you their full
attention and you know theyre all thinking about different
things too. what the HELL do people think about? think
about all the people all those daily hours of silence when
your head is so noisy. what the hell is going on in the
minds of everyone else?
but i know when i read something, sometimes id get
immersed. im not thinking at all, just reading, lost. this
is why people love to read, no?i'd love to be able to do
that for other people.

am i crazy?

something that made me feel so good, was all the totally
insane people at college, the crazy teachers who have come
to terms with being crazy.
my advisor once said, i fear insanity too sara, every day.
oh i loved him. i wish i could still go to him. he was a
good man. no matter how much i felt overwhelmed and like i
was gonna go off the deep end i always left his office
feeling elated, better, always. i miss that. i miss school.
i belonged there, that school, that particular school and
nowhere else. it was the first time really i felt like i
belonged to a social institution, who cares that NYU is a
real estate corporation, its the people that mattter .
what else
i am reading the idiot, dostoevsky. good book, i get lost
in it. i never wouldve at any previous point of my life.