2003-09-17 23:09:31 (UTC)

just breathe.

hm. im still very tired today. i need to start going to
the gym every night like we used to.. it gives me more
energy and i'm able to sleep at night like a normal person.

my beautiful boy didnt come today! he didnt feel well
yesterday so. i hope he didnt quit. i like having
something pretty to look at (even if it's hollow)

im making friends at work=) no one my age really but
especially this girl Tasha, she reminds me a little bit of
erika -their sister-- but slightly less annoying, (not to
be mean! erika's great.) And shes really cool and
different than the average person and she took me to lunch
today and we talked about Juan the beautiful boy lol. I
forgot that he said he was Italian and Columbian, thats why
he looks so uniquely beautiful. AND shes starting her own
company, expects to get it off the ground by the first of
the year and she wants me to be her graphics girl!! What
the hell why didnt I fucking pray 10 years ago!?!!? She
was like "I have a question.. would you be at all
interested in helping me..blahblah..I'd really love it if
you could..blahblahblah" HELL YEAH FOR ME!!! can you tell
me who the bad mofucka now!!!!!!! thats my favorite song
again lol.

lisa my trainer, shes 5 months pregnant, and she is always
rubbing her belly a little bit and it makes me ache, i want
to be pregnant so bad.. i know i have to wait but i want a
baby so badly... i hope that i am ready financially and
have my thing done by the time im 25. thats my goal.. for
at LEAST being pregnant.

so i have like so much stuf to do tonight.. homework,
studying for a big test at work tomorrow, getting clothes
ready because i have to dress for work at 6 and go to class
at 7 go straight to work late at 1130 and so i have to get
everything done and get to bed super early.. it will be
good practice. PLUS now i have not only MY online business
i'm trying to start, but tasha wants me to start getting
some ideas for a logo for her... i told her monday i could
bring some rough ideas... IM SO EXCITED!!! i hope i can
pull it all off.. I hope I hope I hope

i havent heard from ashley and im worried about her.. i
dont feel right, its probably all in my head, but i really
hope shes okay.

ugh im irritated now, because i cleaned and did some
homework and a little bit of studying and i took out my
clothes for tomorrow and that took me like an hour, i JUST
went shopping but it always seems like i have nothing that
fits or matches or looks good, im just so uncomfortable in
nice clothes thats the only downfall to this job. if i
could wear jeans here like lexmark it would be perfect. i
have a couple skirts but i have that nasty bruise thing on
my leg so i wont wear them until thats gone and all my
pants and dress shirts i feel so butch and uncomfortable
in. im not butch. but i dont feel right in tight little
slutty clothes either. there are no dress clothes that
suit me. no matter how many i buy and THATS SOOOOO

I'm just going to have to go spend more money on saturday.
and rationalize that I'll be making a lot of money soon.

so many things on my mind though
I miss Claudia. where did that come from?
I want to see my girl - yes in my head shes my girl
I have laundry and organizing to do
I need to clean my car
I hope beautiful boy comes back
So I can dye his hair blue lol
I want to work out
I'm not happy with myself at all right now,
just how things are going for me
I want to be busy and save money and do things I enjoy
I want everything to work out
I feel like things are falling into place and I hope to god
i'm right
I'm worried about ashley
I havent seen Matt for several days... this is new and nice
I'll see him tomorrow though
I'm going to be tired tomorrow
I've gotten really out of shape
I need new clothes
We're having a party at work in 2 weeks
I miss marcy
I havent cut in 4 days
I want to go to a concert
La di da.
Time to work.
Thats all for now.