myrddyn

reflections from the kiddie pool
2003-09-17 22:00:26 (UTC)

Affect/Effect


I have been enthralled by a movie trailer recently. It is
the trailer for Bill Murray's new movie, Lost in
Translation. There is something powerful about finding a
kindred spirit in the wilderness. It's weird, sometimes
when a trailer catches me I can just watch it a thousand
times.

My wife wasn't particularly impressed with it, I think
because she thinks there is a romantic thing going on
between Murray and the female co-star, Scarlett
Johansson. She frowns on big age differences, despite the
fact that I don't think that's what the trailer is trying
to say at all. It looks to me more like a paternal
relationship, if you had to classify it.

I heard from Daphne yesterday via e-mail. Or rather, she
wrote a week ago and I just saw it yesterday. I
correspend with her through a separate, web-based e-mail
account. Unfortunately, and through some way I do not
understand, the account first got on one spam list, then
another, then another. Now I have to check the thing
every few days just to junk all fo the spam. And since I
wasn't hearing from her, I wasn't checking very often.
She actually wrote September 10th to let me know that a
very close friend of hers had died.

This friend had been in a car accident 11 years ago and
was paralyzed from I think the waist down. I went with
Daphne and her then-fiancee to a benefit for this friend
to help her raise money for a handicap-equipped van a
couple years back. The two have been friends since
childhood, but back in high school she didn't like me very
much when Saphne and I dated. Of course that's been water
under the bridge for years but the effect was that I never
really got to know her.

She died of complications from the paralysis . . .
something to do with liver failure. Apparently there
wasn't a lot of notice. Daphne apparently flew to the
hospital and visited with her friend until the end along
with other friends and family.

I've been pretty fortunate to this point not to have
personally lost any close friends. One of my best friends
lost his brother in a domestic dispute recently, and now
to hear of this. It's very chilling, really.

Daphne's friend's family sent her some childhood pictures,
including one where the friend was helping Daphne get
ready for the prom Dahpone and I went to together in high
school. I think the whole thing got her nostalgic, hence
the e-mail to me.

I tried responding to her, but the e-mail account I was
using was giving me some funny error messages, so I didn't
think my response went through. I had to re-write the
message, twice. Then later I found out all 3 went
through. Very similar, but different messages. *sigh*
Anyway she wrote back a short note saying she was going to
write more to me soon. Probably to let me know how other
parts of her life are going since her first note was
mostly about her friend.

I feel terrible for her loss. Not everyone can claim such
a lifelong friend. I tried to acknowledge her grief
without sounding like some awful Hallmark card. I didn't
try to offer words of wisdom or to make sense of it. I
just said I was sure her husband and friends were helping
her through this time, and that I'm sure her friend was
happy that they were able to visit with each other, and
that I was glad her memories of her firend were good and
positive.

I think that's much different than what I would have said
5 or 10 years ago in a similar situation. It's an
evolution of my reaction to tragedy as it relates to
dealing with those affected. I wonder what I will say to
someone in a similar situation 10 years from now. How
will my understanding of life change over that time
period. Will I ever embrace religion? My wife is pushing
now for us to start going to church.

Which, as I believe I have mentioned before, drives me
crazy. We are not religious people. Now, all of the
sudden, it's important for us to be regular churchgoers?
My parents were like that when I was young, and as a child
I could see right through it. As we got older we started
going less and less, until finally we weren't really going
at all any more. I know my parents don't go these days.
I hope I am able to impart to my daughter the mental and
emotional tools for her to derive her own rules by which
she will live her life. If by some, excuse the term
please, miracle I am able to do that, then I will consider
myself a success as a parent, no matter what choices she
makes in life.

As for my daughter, she is growing like a little weed.
But the most important thing, besides her good health, is
that I believe she has a good spirit. It infects me, and
it's made it impossible for me to maintain any melancholy
or bad mooods in her presence. I wonder if all parents
feel so lucky.




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