EmptymeOut

bundles of inadequate thoughts.
2003-09-17 16:06:47 (UTC)

making it through and a broken keyboard.

i just wish he'd at least call to see how ashton might be
doing. i mean.. if i were ever away from him, i would call
every hour just to make sure he was still happy still
smiling still my little baby boy.

im beginning to remember why i wanted this break up in the
first place. when its funny, all i remembered the first
few weeks were just begging and pleading him to come back
to what our relationship was before all this drama.

i wanted him to just.. be the kind of dad most dad's can
be. he didnt want this to begin with.. i should have known,
i really should have, and not stayed with him from the
beginning, that would make this easier. but we did. i just
thought that maybe.. someday, somehow, he would just...
change. and i could try to help that. just because.. well,
because i thought he loved me enough to be happy with the
sittuation. but i was wrong. it wasnt about love. it was
about his hatred of change, and not being able to have
control over a sittuation that he wanted to change. he had
control over our break up. he did. and he has control over
his own actions. over what he does. that is all anyone has
control over. themselves. so he did what he wanted to do in
order for him to be happy.

i remember when i broke up with him. i remember when it
started by just looking at him. thinking.. he's not the
right body type, or height. then i just started getting
annoyed with things he said, then i started thinking it
wasnt love. then i broke up with him. he was smothering
me. he was too... always in my face. or so it felt like. we
spent too much time together, or so i thought, and he
started to annoy me. he was broken. confused. does he
remember how that felt? doesnt he? i wasnt happy. i
thought i would be if i werent with him. he wanted to be
smothered instead of being the smotherer. he wanted me to
love him back, to write him, to call him, but i wasnt
happy. i wasnt. i wasnt happy with him, and it hurt.. it
hurt him a lot.

i know how that feels now. we got back together, and i
became... too needy. to overwhelming. he says its
manipulative and possesive, but i think that i felt what
he felt in the sittuation prior, im just a little more
overdramatic. anyone who's pregnant, or is having a child
just needs that attention. they just do. i am young. 18.
and im having a child, in a very unstable point in my
life. i freaked out. i didnt want to lose him in any way
for the life of me. instead of trying to save him, i
pushed him away. he was just waiting for the day when i
would initiate this break up just so that he could be
free. he wouldnt have me there in his face, in his face, in
his face, so that he could pretend for a while that he
didnt have a child, didnt have a child, didnt have a child.
so that he could try to be happy with a sittuation that
wasnt going to go away.

i begged, i cried, i got overemotional, i did a few
irrational things, that, im sure, have to do with my anger
management problems... and he was scared.

i know he loves me, he loves me a lot. but sometimes, its
just not enough to just.... love.

i came back to him. i came back to him becuase i loved him.
i missed him. his smell, his taste, his clothes, his fish
tank, even the food he cooked.

i still remember why i wanted to break up with him in the
first place. before the begging and pleading. he couldnt be
the guy that i wanted. he didnt want this, so he wouldnt. i
wanted him to be so bad, i just wanted the jordan that i
loved to become more of a father and just show his love
for ashton and i. he couldnt be everything for me. i guess
i just... needed too much. not i know i would have never
got that. and would have been happier that way, then to
break up in the first place.
but its ok. i feel better.
i wish my keyboard didnt always doodle slashes everywhere.
got to go. our child is crying.




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