JulietsSwanSong

Storming in my head
2003-09-17 06:51:52 (UTC)

Laurienne Amarilli

I have no idea why I'm writing this. I'm too tired and have
to go to bed. But my fish inspires me :-)

I love this fish. A few people have asked me how I came up
with the name Laurienne Amarilli, which I think I'm going
to have to name a child of mine some day presuming I'm ever
lucky enough to be able to do that... I'd actually prefer
to adopt which means they'll probably already have names,
but whatever! Laurienne is a name that my mother made up
when she was in high school for a daughter, but she didn't
name me Laurienne because my last name has the "n" sound
twice and she thought it would be too much "n". Amarilli is
the name of a girl in an Itallian aria who is loved very
faithfully by the man singing it, but when I sing it, I
imagine that it's a response to a man, telling him that I
will always be faithful and steadfast in return, because I
have trouble feeling inspired to sing that to a woman...

So anyway, Laurienne swims around so busily in her tank,
it's like she has somewhere to go. She's so ADHD. It's like
she's on a path to do one thing, and get suddenly
sidetracked by something else, and looks at it, but then
suddenly remembers that there was that other thing that she
had to take care of. And then suddenly she'll swim over to
me, and just peer at me with her little eyes so curiously.
And she is just captivating... in her little crystaline
world... floating, unaware of anything around her, seeing
only what she wants to, caring only about what she wants to
care about when she darn well pleases to care about it.
Sometimes she gets stuck in the pebbles at the bottom of
the tank, but she just wriggles patiently and gets out...

And in some oddly complex ways, considering this is a $3.65
cent fish that I bought at Petsmart that I'm talking about,
she makes me see how I want to live my life. She has things
that she wants to do, but allows herself to get distracted
at times by things that are interesting, but always returns
to her initial plan. She has a small world that no one
controls but her, and one person who will always look out
for her. If hurricane Isabell really does come to GMU,
she's not getting my fish :-P She just has a simple life
with few cares and she does what she loves. I want that.

Hmm, she just got stuck in the pebbles again... maybe I
should get some gravel instead...

Anyway, yeah that's my fish tale, hehe, I hope you liked
it. :)

~Ellena


p.s. I went to see Jon today, and I told him that I met
someone else. He rolled his eyes and asked me if I thought
that someone could be better than him, or something like
that... and you know... who the hell cares what's better
than him? He was never mine. I was never his, or so I would
love to think, though in all technicality was perfectly
true. But he said go on with my life, so I did. Of course,
this guy isn't going to like me either, but that's beside
the point. What matters is that I don't matter anymore to
him... and he's not "scared" of me anymore. I can't imagine
that he ever was, but I believe him. I believe in him. I
believe that what I need is someone who wouldn't be scared
to fall for me. Real men don't do things like that. A real
man would look at me, in all my unequaled ridiculous
dorkiness, and say "Ellena, you're funny, entertaining, if
nothing else, and have an occasional moment of charm every
once in a while. Let's go out. This Friday." And I don't
wanna wait for it. I'm not patient. I always believe that
people should try to live like love, and the first thing
the Bible describes love as being is patient. I think
that's supposed to be my life project. Becoming patient. Oh
well. I'm just at the beginning.

I need someone with charismatic passion, and honesty. I
need a grown up. I guess you just don't run into those very
often in college. ::sigh:: I need to change the name of
this journal from *Storming Inside My Head*, to rantings
and ramblings of a desperate girl who has no idea what the
hell is going on. maybe some day I'll get a clue. There's
always hope! Amen :-D




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