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2003-09-17 03:03:37 (UTC)

another letter ill never send

i feel like im losin it. my moods have been so crazy, all
over the place. i feel lost. its like i have perpetual pms.
this horrible woman i work with whos always been demeaning
to me and almost got me fired last year with her
exaggerated snotty lies made me feel like dogshit today. i
told her im getting my real estate licence and im going to
help my mom out with her new office. in addition to working
there. and in addition to trying to figure out how to be a
fucking writer. and she said all privelaged kids work for
their parents. im thinking about that and sitting here in
this apartment my parents pay for on this computer they
bought me watching tv they bought me with my stupid
frolicking nonsense degree they paid for. i feel like im
nothing, i barely get paid at all over there, theyd never
give me a raise im too chicken to ask, the only thing that
means anything is the way the kids look at me when they
finally understand something but they are all from the
ghetto theyre trying so hard, so much harder than ive ever
tried, they are working full time and going to school full
time and studying as hard as they can and about 95 % of
them will end up nowhere , still in bed stuy dealing
drugs .
im thinking its too hard, i cant do it anymore, its too
hard to write its not easy anymore and im too lonely and im
too crazy.
so i could go ahead and get a full time job and be even
lonlier and crazier and more unhappy and have the life
sucked out of me. sucksuck.
for the first time i feel like i cant really talk to
anyone. julie sometimes. but she has her own shit. everyone
has their own shit. i never feel like i can talk to anyone
when im the one with elusive depressing problems.
im lost. all this self respect self awareness self
assurance its all gone. im deteriorated. i dont like
myself. i look in the mirror, i want to throw up. i can
understand why men dont like me, dont want to be with me.
knowing you, everything with you made me respect myself
alot less. especially all those months, when i was hanging
in there, stupidly hoping some mircale would happen. all
the plans you broke, all the times you didnt call me back.
the way you initially broke up with me and how i felt in
the end. you didnt show me respect. and i didnt even ask
for respect, demand it, i called you, i chased you, i
basically said go right ahead, treat me like shit, so what
else were you supposed to do?
in my little silly head i think, hes sober now, he thinks
im actually worth something, i mean something, maybe now
hell treat me like im a living breathing person too, and in
my little silly nothing head im still expecting you to
break plans with me, lie to me, because i got so used to
that. isnt that a horrible thing to get used to? to being
i was walking over the bridge today and hating myself. why
am i so upset? i shouldnt be, i kept thinking, i shouldnt
be. i kept thinking please just think about something else.
please dont call him. i kept thinking how important is it
to you to keep him in your life? is it this important, that
you beat yourself up?
none of this segment is your fault. its my fault. i let
myself be effected like this. i let the past stay with me
like this. its my fault.
today i wanted to talk to you. i wanted to laugh. and yap.
and i wanted to tell you about things i was thinking about
and things im worrying about and scared about and stuff
like the first half of this email, i wanted to see if i
could talk to you i dont know why i thought maybe you could
help me and it would help me maybe, i thought, if i keep
you in my life that would mean im capable of growth and
understanding and maybe if i get somewhere with you it wont
be so hard for me to ever trust someone again or ever ever
be able to feel that stupid vulerable feeling.
but it was scary, just a little cancellation, how much it
hurt me and it was scary, seeing this immense power you
have to hurt me, or this immense weakness i have to let you
hurt me or this immense paranoia untrusting rigid bitchy
hardness wherever the meeting ground is, and i thought oh
my god maybe its just not worth it.
and look at what a nuisiance i am. you dont need this. you
dont need to feel accountable. you dont need someone
bitching at you.
ive also, as has been aforementioned, been feeling
unstable. i feel better when around people. any people
i just needed to say all this. you never thought i was
crazy. i hope i can still say things i think.
i dont know what to do, about you, about anything, about
friggen life at all. i feel like im in a no-decision

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