listen to my silences
2003-09-17 00:12:04 (UTC)

in response

to jamie and the rest of ri.

if i don't pretend to be okay, i never will be.

i'm not all smiles. you only see what you want to.

if i don't pretend, then all i would have done and would be
doing is crying. and i will not cry. if me pretending
equals me lying and being deceitful, then i guess i am
being that way and doing that.

you think that i don't see you all as my equals and that
i'm better than you? you're wrong. you all are my peers
and that means i look up to you. why the hell would i
think i'm better than you. obviously i'm not.

i've never had anyone look at me like they do you. i've
never been considered pretty and in a group i'm not the one
noticed. i'm not the prettiest or friendliest or most
outgoing or most talented like you all are. not that that
makes me feel unimportant. it doesn't. it didn't. it
never made me feel separate from you because we were a
group. and i had my own qualities that i put into it that
were different than your all's. everybody was as equally
important, no matter what they could or couldn't do. so
tell me how i'm better than you.

if you mean i think i'm better than you because i would
have told me what was going on, that's not true. yes, i
would have told me, but that doesn't mean that i think i'm
better than you. i know i'm not. in anyone's eyes,
especially god's. and his are the most important. if i
know i'm not better than you in his eyes then why in the
world would i think i'm better than you at all?

i wasn't angry that an entry wasn't about me. i was hurt
none of them were. why? because you write about the
important things in your lives. and it felt like what
happened/didn't happen wasn't important to you. believe
me, i'd have much rather been mad. because then i would
have been okay by now. but all i can do is be upset. all
i can do is hurt. and try to cry.

i never said i wasn't shallow. and yeah, i accused you of
being that way. and i apologized. i realized that i was
accusing you of what i saw in myself. i was shallow. and
maybe i am being that way.

maybe me wanting to know that you all care how i feel is
being shallow.

what the fuck ever.

you know, i was can you belittle me about
putting up a front when you're putting one up around me
also. but now i've gotten to thinking about it...and maybe
you're not anymore. you were before all this came out,
when everyone was hiding things from me. but maybe now
you're not. the reason i thought you were putting up a
front is because i hoped that you cared enough to know how
i felt but didn't know how to ask. maybe you don't, so
you're not putting up a front. but i hope you are putting
one up also.

i didn't realize i was making you read between the lines.
i'm sorry that i did. i understand that you cared about
how to tell me. i really do. but i don't understand that
you didn't tell me. i had to find out by you talking very
loudly to your grandmother about who was going with you.
it was pretty much like saying "hey, you're out. bye!!"
you never asked how i felt; i never lied. so how was i not
straight with you?

so me not crying and me smiling is getting back at you?

what the fuck ever.

i don't understand what you meant about this being a two
way street. did you mean blame is a two way street? if
so, then you're completely right about this being my fault
too. i should have asked when rehearsals were. i should
have told you all to call me. i should have wondered aloud
to you what was going on.

oh wait, i did.

final thought: i wish we could just start over. i wish
this could just all end. i wish we could just speak out
loud. i wish we could just be friends.