2003-09-14 22:37:45 (UTC)

I resent me

My life doesn't have any troubles. I even found my missing
library book about mimes. Isn't that fucked up? I almost
resent it- I need some justification of the trite selfish
sadness I sometimes feel.
I spent the weekend lost inside my geopgraphy and
anthropology text books. Now I'm listening to Green Day
(what's better than silly love songs in psuedo-punk-rock
form?), and trying to kill my head ache with coffee. I woke
up past one. This is the only day of the week I get to
sleep in and don't have to go to either work or school.

I wander about the hallways of my house and have a lot of
imaginary conversations. Many times I have imagined telling
Kai that I have imaginary conversations with him, but I
never really told him. I haven't talked with him in months,
but he is someone I feel would listen to me and understand
should I ever choose to really reveal myself to him. I'm
not as important to him as he is to me, but that's fine.
Loving is better than being loved. I have imaginary
encounters with other people too, and I pretend that
someone is watching me. There's something so
psychologically compelling about the witness. I want to
imagine a witness to my life, some power lovingly observing
me. I can't believe in God in the Western sense, of the
personified figure, like an old bearded man on a cloud
casting lightning bolts, but I want to believe in Brahman,
the fundamental, immaterial, and infinite energy of the
Universe that exists at the core of every individual thing
and thus unites them. It is also thought of as the
unpercieved perciever, the Atman, in every creature- the