2003-09-14 22:35:09 (UTC)

my pain is a lot like your pain,

always in the throes of insane,
over and over with the same shit, same shit
when baby when will you have had enough of it?

for SOME reason my last entry posted twice. hmm. curious.

i just felt really bad because i checked to see if she had
written and i guess theres two people with her same name
now and so i didnt look at the diary name i just clicked on
it, and i was reading it and it was like "fuck her fuck
that im done with that shit" or something and it was kinda
written in fucked up typing that i couldnt understand much
of it but then i got to something about work that didnt
make sense so i looked over to the side and realized they
werent the names of her old entries so i was like oh.

i sat down to watch that movie with my mom tonight and 30
minutes into it, my aunt calls AGAIN today, all 3 phones
so i finally pick up when she calls mine thinking oh maybe
somethings wrong and shes just all pissed off again about
my grandparents and wants to talk to my mom "for a
minute," two hours later i'm still sitting here waiting
with the movie on pause, actually it had gone to that blue
screen you know, but. i was a little upset only because
its the second time this weekend that happened. but oh
well i guess.

i started thinking about my web page for this business i
want to take a shot at... im excited.

seba wants to go to gainesville for a weekend, beginning of
october. for a drag king show and a little trip. i dont
know. i was missing allison last night, i almost texted
her to say hi, but then i didnt. because we had a lot of
fun and she was really sweet to me, i have a lot of good
memories of drinking champagne on the purple couch my first
night there and our morning coffee and clove on the
bench... and how she'd put on that halcyon CD every night
when we went to bed and she'd tuck me in and kiss me on the
head, and the kittens would climb on us and when i woke up
coughing shed be so sweet to me and she'd get right up and
take me on a drive for some fresh air... i just. maybe im
just too proud. because when i saw her a month or whenever
ago, things were cool.. i just see her as so fake now, i
dont know. and im probably wrong. but. i dont like rich
people. anyway, i might go. i'll see how money is then,
its not a big trip but i need to stop spending ANY money
til i get back together.

well thats whats on my mind. that and the obvious but im
all out of things to say there.. i feel that i am going to
continue praying and do what i can to not think about it so
much, and i think that they will fall apart on their own
soon enough... as mean as that sounds. i mean from what
she says and acts she doesnt really care so. and i could
care less about that fucking cunt - she took my girl, i
hope she is miserable over it when it happens. anyway
point being that it will, i think... and. in the meantime
i have to get over this because i just lose it every time
she walks away..

aww dawn and caleb got a puppy to surprise wayne. thats
sweet. i want a puppy=( i want something to love, i love
tetris but i mean. that i can hold and cuddle with and
won't walk away from me or have its phone ringing every 3

Narzissismus : it seems to me that in the deepest of my
thought when i write things they always seem to come out
being about a girl who comitted suicide that was very close
to me .. and i dont know anyone who has done that so i cant
really explain it it is just what i know.. i wish it made
more sense but shallow as it may seem that is it
Narzissismus : i think i lived before .. like i
think i lived another life and parts of that one retell in
this one... maybe it is you and i reenacting a life that
was before and have been given a second chance in a modern
LaDiDaGrl : hm.

i reaaaaaaaallllyyy wish he'd get offline cus she cant get
on when hes on. and i dont really care about these stupid
little stories. he's not getting the -blatant- hint and im
really tired. and these Facethejury girls are boring me to
death... maybe it really is a time for me to be alone right
now... i just am not good with that... WHY CANT SHE COME
HERE NOW why cant we run away to a cute little house and be
cute and uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why do i live in my
heart and not in the real world and why cant i just let
things go i guess im guna go to bed. alone. and lay there
alone. and be cold alone. WHY WHY WHY I WANT HER HERE