2003-09-11 03:28:34 (UTC)

strong enough

i saw him again today. he got a haircut, and his eyes were
blue today. sometimes they are green. button down shirt,
tie, slacks, he looked good. we laughed alot. teased alot.
did some serious talking. coffee in bryant park. just for 45
minutes or so. walked him to penn station. hugging goodbye
he gave my neck two little kisses and my entire body
reacted. he hugged me so close. so hard . hard being in his
arms. i said, what do you want, you want us to be friends?
he said yeah. he wants to take me to dinner on tuesday. he
said anything you want. i said yes. he said he was hoping we
could just bullshit shoot the shit but that its ok if we get
into more super why conversations. he said he wants to make
it up to me. somehow even tho he knows he cant. he asked if
there was anything he could do or say and i said nothing
short of having a word with god and turning back time.
i cant stop seeing him or talking to him so maybe i should
just let myself, in little doses, small doses. neither of us
need anything romantic right now. especially him. i wont be
the one to keep him from doing what he needs to do.

today in my mothers office, ted was talking about a virgin
apartment, brand new, "you'll be the first one to step in
the bathtub"
this made me cry and feel a little sick. cause im not
anymore. im not a virgin. ive been stepped on, muddied,
theres a big chunk of me thats gone, he thinks i should just
get over it. he doesnt understand. maybe hes just
downplaying what he did to make himself feel better.
i was a 22 year old virgin, i waited, until i felt. felt
comfortable. felt like it was right. i try, have been trying
to not regret it. because i dont believe in that. regret. i
hate him, i want to scratch his eyeballs out, i think hes a
monster and i also want to hug him, be in his arms, talk to
him, laugh with him, maybe even be 'friends' impossible,
and its a lovely night and im alone here and lonely and its
a full moon and.
jesus is the whole fall gonna be like this. up and down.
this seems familiar. oy.

i always liked this song. i dont really believe it,
especially the lie to me part. buts sometimes i understand,
its desparation. just lie. make it all ok again. andi always
thought, when i heard this song, he wasnt man enough, and i
didnt want to help him understand. . .

I feel like hell tonight
The tears of rage I cannot fight
I'll be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man..
Well, nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man..
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
Half a face I cannot show
make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man..
When I've shown you That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man..
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave

so what do i do. keep talking to him, seeing him which would
keep him in my heart, the surface of my mind, i am too WEAK
. too weak. maybe ill get strong. hopefully. lets cross our
fingers. i should know, i cant be in contact with someone i
feel for,