listen to my silences
Ad 2:
2003-09-10 21:12:32 (UTC)

some things i wrote awhile ago

these are entries that i've written and saved in word since
i didn't have access to the internet. i thought they were
important, even if they're not relevant now. well,
everything is relevant to everything else, but they're the
past so i'm going to put them on here and then leave them
in the past.

1. dream

I had a really weird dream last night. What’s even weirder
is that I remember what it was. Cosper, Jamie, Mary, and I
were in Cosper’s car, driving to California to perform. I
don’t remember the trip to our first overnight stop, where
we did, or getting up that next morning. I do remember
that the place we stayed was deserted. I don’t know if it
was a house or not, but it had a driveway. We put all of
our stuff in the trunk. Then they drove off, leaving me
standing there with only my clothes and keys. It seemed
that they didn’t know that they left me behind. I tried to
catch them, but for some reason I didn’t run. As I walked
down the driveway of where we stayed, I found a change
purse. I looked inside it briefly. All I saw was
pennies. There was a noise to my left. I saw a beat-up
old tent, the kind where you hang a blanket over a tree
limb and secure the corners into the ground with sticks and
rocks, wafting in the wind. An image flashed through my
mind of a woman and two young boys. Then it left, and the
world around me was empty again. I put the change purse in
my pocket and walked down the driveway. The driveway
turned into a road. I kept walking. I came upon a
restaurant and walked up to it. I thought that the drama
group might be inside eating. Waiting for me. Looking for
me. It looked like a very nice restaurant. I went up to
the door. It had a sign on it that said USHER TRAINING IN
TEST. Underneath this sign there was another that said
restaurant patrons use other door. So I walked around the
building. A carload of very nice, dressed up people walked
up to the door. A man greeted them and walked them
inside. I walked up to the door and knocked. After awhile
the man came to the door. He told me it would be just a
minute and disappeared inside again. I waited. I looked
down the road and saw another traveler walking up to the
restaurant. She looked tired too. I looked harder, and it
appeared to be Kelly. She didn’t recognize me though, so I
knew it wasn’t her. Somehow we got to the topic of why we
were going it alone, with empty pockets and bellies. She
told me that she was from New York and was going to
California with her family. She never said how she had
gotten left behind. I told her what happened with me.
Then I repeated three times that I wished I had remembered
my cell phone. It seemed that I hadn’t even brought it on
the trip at all. I opened the change purse to show her
what was inside. Pennies were all we saw, but I shifted
them around. I pulled out a small pair of infant boys’
shoes. Then a pair of shoes belonging to a boy no older
than one in first grade. The last pair I found was a
woman’s size six. My size. In the brand of shoes that I
used to wear to work, before they got torn up and I had to
throw them away. The image of the woman and two boys went
through my head again. The man in the restaurant opened
the door and said right this way. I told him that I wasn’t
there to eat, but that I just wanted to look inside and see
if the people I was with were here. He looked relieved and
moved to let me in. They weren’t there. I turned and
walked out of the restaurant to continue on the road to
home. The Kelly-look-alike was already walking down the
road. I started walking, I’m not sure which direction. I
thought I wonder if this is east. I asked her. She said
she didn’t know. We walked back up to the restaurant and
went inside. I started to ask the man which way was east
when I heard a voice yell hey. I turned. A woman who
looked exactly like Lynn, Kelly’s mom, shouted out the
Kelly-look-alike’s name. I don’t remember what it was,
only that it wasn’t Kelly. I looked over at the table but
didn’t recognize any of the other people there. I asked
the man which way was east. He told me. I left the
restaurant and started walking in the direction he’d
pointed me. Then I woke up.

All I have to say about it is this: I always excelled at

2. rememberies

Brodie and I finally hung out the other day. It was so
good to do so. I hadn’t seen him in forever, and I hadn’t
talked to him since a few days after everything happened
with my car and drama and whatnot else. I’d really missed
him. Evidently his girlfriend doesn’t like me because I’m
too friendly. Lol. Oh well. I’m just glad that he and I
spent time together, even if he did throw my puzzle pieces
nonchalantly onto the other ones. I bought his birthday
present already, even though it’s not until October. I
told him I already had it, and we started talking about my
last birthday. He still felt like crap and said he’d be
ready this time and would call me at least a week
beforehand to let me know he remembered. I told him it was
no big deal, that I had called him to torment him, not to
make him feel bad. He said he knew. We went into the
kitchen to get something to eat. He asked me if I wanted
to order Chinese. I told him he could, but I didn’t have
any money. He said he’d pay, insisted on it. Then decided
that we’d just go out to eat somewhere. He asked me what
was around. I said I didn’t know. All I knew was that
there was a Wendy’s and Rally’s. And there used to be a
McDonald’s until it burned. He gave me an incredulous look
and said you live here, how can you not know where anything
is. I told him I work in New Albany, so I either eat there
or at the apartment. He just shook his head and we went to
Wendy’s. We got back to the apartment and he gave me a hug
goodbye. Then, as always, we stood there and talked for
about fifteen more minutes about everything. We planned to
do something on Wednesday, then he gave me another hug and
left. I finally felt some amount of peace. I went
inside. Brandon came over. He’d been in Ohio all day. We
got into a fight. I went over to his house Tuesday after
he got off of work so we could work it out. We decided we
needed a break. Not a break-up, we’re still together. But
we’re together apart until next Tuesday so we can figure
ourselves out. He’s got a lot to think about as far as our
fight goes. He already knows how I feel about it and why.
He doesn’t know why he did it though and he doesn’t know
how to fix it. Neither do I. But that’s all him. As for
me I need to get everything out that’s happened that’s made
me stressed out. So I am.

Brodie didn’t come over on Wednesday because I have a
really bad cough and I have no voice. Neither one of us
wants him sick. So we’re going to do something next week
since I’m off Monday through Wednesday again.

I was sick for a week. Couldn’t keep anything in my
stomach. I think it was from stress. I had to call into
work once and I left early also. Extremely rare for me to
do. And it left me with a pitiful check because I missed
so many hours. So now I’m extremely poor. But my check
from the mentoring program finally came in, so I’m okay
now. Now I’m sick again. Just a cough and no voice. I
feel fine. I haven’t eaten very much because I haven’t
been hungry. Food just doesn’t sound good. I have to work
tonight, with no voice. But I’m just in fashions, so I
should be okay. I can’t afford to call in anyway.

I’ve been obsessed with puzzles lately. I organize all my
pieces and I freak out if they get messed up. Crazy, I
know. But it’s kind of like I’m organizing things in my
life, figuring out what’s stressing me out and what I need
to do. Deciding what’s important and what will be
important, and what I need to get rid of. Then I put the
puzzle together and it’s like I’m putting my life
together. Maybe it’s stupid, maybe not. It works for me.
If it didn’t, I still wouldn’t be able to write. And look,
here I am writing.

I own another cd now. I didn’t buy it. And no, I didn’t
steal it. 98.9 was at Meijer’s, so Tiffany and I went
there to register for a giveaway. They were giving away
cds. So now I have four.

Brandon and I went to Evansville so that I could withdraw
from school and see Sara. I miss her like crazy. It looks
like she has a…difficult…roommate this semester. I told
her I’d come to see her and I’d stay the night and torment
her roommate. She said okay really excitedly. Brandon and
I went to a movie while we were there. I put five dollars
into the quarter machine so that we could play games
beforehand. They have an overzealous quarter machine. I
got twenty dollars worth of quarters. I gave the fifteen
that I didn’t pay for to the people at the concession
stand. They were amazed that I was that honest.
Seriously, if I had kept it, it would have eaten at me
forever, I’m just not that kind of person.

I’m starting to get destressed. Not distressed, but
destressed. Like unstressed. But in the megan dictionary
it’s destressed.

I’m out of rememberies for right now. Another word in the
megan dictionary.

3. never sacrifice

Brandon and I talked for a long time yesterday. It was
about scary stuff, but everything, well most everything, is
out now. He knows what he needs to do, he’s just still
trying to figure out how to go about doing it. As for me…
I’m still trying to figure me out. What I’m trying to
figure out has nothing to do with me and Brandon, it’s just…
everything that’s gone on with me lately that keeps
building up because I haven’t had time to straighten it all

Have you ever had a time in your life where you looked back
upon the last couple of days, weeks, or maybe months, and
wondered where you went? It’s like…you were there, it was
you living, but then again, it wasn’t you. It’s as if you
became someone else. Someone who did things that you would
never do, would never dream of doing. Someone who stopped
believing in themself, when that never had happened
before. Yes, at times your confidence may falter, but it
never ceased. You became someone who believed what
everyone else said about you instead of listening to
yourself. Someone who let their guard down, since there is
such a thing as trusting too much. And then it hits you:
this someone, really was you.

You changed. And it hurts. It hurts you, and everyone
else. Because now you’re trying to change back, to fix
what was wrong, to turn into the person you know and who
you want to, need to be. And those that have gotten used
to the way you have been lately don’t understand. They
still want the recent you. And they start using that
against you.

It comes to a point where feelings gotta get hurt, and get
dirty with the people spreading the dirt.

Never sacrifice who you are for who someone wants you to be.

4. after pretending

I guess eventually after pretending to be okay, you start
believing your façade and you actually begin being okay.
Jamie and I talked just like old times today at work. It
was great. I’d really missed it. And yeah, at first I had
to quiet the part of me that still doesn’t understand, that
still wants to lash out. But quickly it didn’t need
quieting, it just went away for the time being. All by
itself. She and I talked about all kinds of random
things. Just as we always used to…before she became
distant…before I was hurt. No, not everything is okay.
Yet. That yet is a key word, idea. I’m getting there.
I’ve realized that I’m not just going to be completely
healed at the snap of someone’s fingers. I have to try
before it can even begin to happen.

By the way, doors are dominant too. Lol.

5. if only

If only you had come after me
And seen the tears in my eyes
To know that even though I wanted to leave
I never want to say goodbye

You promised me you’d never
Let me go or walk away
I thought of that when you watched me go
As you stood staring in your doorway

I keep looking out the window
Hoping that you followed me after all
I know no matter how many times I look
I won’t see you and you won’t call

Why’d you have to give me up
To quit and then start again
You just couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t work
That we couldn’t start within

So now I sit here staring
At my small computer screen
Knowing that now it’s your turn to try
That it’s your turn to bleed

What do you do when the only person who can stop your tears
is the one who made you cry?

final thought: to live in the present is to get rid of the
past. it seems that no matter how many times i rid the
troubles of my past and move on, someone throws them back
at me and causes them to haunt me.