2003-09-09 17:33:57 (UTC)

do we say this means less than we know it does?

i let my guard down, in a momentary lapse of emotion
it just slipped out, and we both knew my heart could be

i said something i never intended to say,
you stopped laughing,
and asked me, "do you feel alone in that way?"

i just stood there, had expected another reaction
out of thin air, in the strangest sense of satisfaction
can you tell me, how you see me so well?
if you held me, would you let me see that part of yourself?

when we go, do we say this means less than we know it does?
please tell me

do you trip on love? do you run from magic?
when you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
if you feel too much, do you start to panic?
when your word comes out, do you trip on love?

ha. well i really pissed him off now.. ohh well.

i had to take the puppy to the shelter while he was in lab -
which was sad for me, not to mention the picking up was
weird, richards dad is so sweet and he was like "i'll wake
him up he'll want to see you" and i was like "no, i'll
just take the puppy.." ... --- anyway.. so i picked matt
back up from school and hes like "oh yeah so did you have a
nice time fucking your girlfriend?" --- i had told him
tammy might keep the puppy, so. you know... i fuck
*everyone*.... and i was laughing and he grabbed my arm and
twisted it and hes like "What the fuck is so funny" and i
was like nothing and he wouldnt let go and so I told him.

and i dont even care that hes mad. maybe now he'll leave me
alone. this morning, i mean, i took these classes because
of his work schedule and he wanted me too, and everyone
knows i HATE mornings and i still did it, but this morning
he was late and i was waiting forever and i hate being late
and so besides being 7 in the morning i was grumpy and my
Cds all fell on the floor and i was like can you get that
and he starts screaming "FUCK YOU YOURE SUCH A FUCKING CUNT
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH.." it doesnt even bother me
anymore. fuck him he can be mad. and he just calls "oh
you want me to come over while you take your shower since
youre home alone." No. I dont want you to come over while
i take my shower and then fuck you. i dont know why he
keeps trying hes getting nowhere. im done with that. he
hung up on me. oh well.

im amazed that im making it through these days with all
this emptiness inside... ive been reading writing painting
cutting crying taking baths smoking sleeping nothing is
making it go away...

stop calling me.......... hes yelling at me........
Dont turn your fucking phone off you fucking
have made me very angry. A, im sick of you fucking making a
huge fucking deal about getting up a little early to go to
class when its not that big of a fucking deal, B, how dare
you fucking say that thats all i care about when i do so
much shit for you out of my heart and you just ignore every
fucking thing i do for you, youre fucking tired of it, im
fucking more tired of it,okay?


oh well. goodbye.

how many times have -i- been angry? how many times have -i-
cried? i dont even care anymore. he's very mad and he
knows im here alone but. i dont think i should be scared.
come kill me please put me out of my misery.

she called me, uncannily just as i had the blade pressed
against my leg it rings, and i almost didnt even look
because i assumed it was him with more yelling to do but it
wasnt. so we talked for a little while - i might see her
thursday!-- and then i took a short nap, not long enough,
and now im drinking this fucked up baby soup or some shit i
dont know what this is i just know my tummy's been all
messed up on top of everything else because ive been either
forgetting to eat, or eating whatever i find in the house
like noodles and toast and quesadillas and shit... i havent
had anything healthy in probably a week.. so maybe tomorrow
i'll go to gym and try to get some order back into my

i get to go to work now. and get hit on by crazy girl. i
really do need more professional clothes. i dont have much
in that department.

i know shes trying not to hurt my feelings or be mean about
this, and im glad for that, its just still empty, if
she loved me as much as i thought she did, there would
be no problem. and i know not everyone thinks like me but
i believe that because thats all i can believe in. and so i
must say that she doesnt. and accept that i cant call her,
and she cant come over and hold me and she cant take care
of me and love me and let me love her. for whatever
reason, the only one that makes sense being that she doesnt.


Uncontrollable hysteria, only soothed by the small blade
against her thigh, where salty tears splash against the ash
and blood, her hands clenched in sobbing prayer, god give
me strength, god give me strength, god give me strength, a
final resort she never expected to turn to.. but her soul
was crushed by the coldness around her, immersed in the
emptiness she dove into.. now finally tired of playing the
role of the crazy girl with sad eyes and cold heart, she
wants to kill this actress she has become, praying for
strength to break free or end it, she has lost her mind,
her pride, her strength. she gave up her beauty, her
heart, her sanity - too tired to pretend.. her heart is
screaming for love, an addiction that has too long been
ignored, in place of worthless sex and hateful words that
have destroyed everything inside her.. and who could love
her now, who could take the time to care for this broken
soul, who could ever love her enough to bring her back to
life? she's left no one any reason to do so, the lies she
once used to keep herself safe now only keep her alone.