2003-09-08 15:44:51 (UTC)

i smash my head against this world

until i understand it.

last night he looked at me and i was like what! and he was
like "youre so beautiful." i cant REMEMBER the last
time... but all i could think was. no im not. im a bitch.
and if you think im guna put out over something that
ordinary. think again.

i feel so much better now that im a little rested.

i had this dream.. i was at school, and i saw her walking
toward me. (YAY she was at school) but then i heard the
bitch behind her, and she sat down and the bitch went into
student services.. and i was like wheres she going? and
shes like "to talk to her ex" and i remembered that guy
that worked at the crab house she had lied about and i was
like fuck that come with me and she wouldnt she just sat
there and i walked away and then i realized i left my bag
with her but i was scared to go back and get it. and they
were coming but i didnt know which way to go and.. i hate
that bitch. she better not be doing anything bad. i want
them to break up because its not good for her, but i dont
want it to happen in a way that she'll get hurt at all, if
she would.

i just want everything to work out. not nescessarily MY
way, but the way its supposed to. and i know im not
supposed to be with him and shes not supposed to be with

im going to keep praying. because i said that if i prayed
and i got a job i would keep doing it. and plus i kinda
like it.

i have so much work to do still.

i let him take me shopping. and i got some new clothes.
yay!! and i got this big long furry black coat with purple
inside and its my favorite thing! it was way too expensive
but who cares, lol. fuck him. this isnt my nature but its
not half bad, and hes an asshole. he may as well be good
for something. anyway i want to wear it every day i cant
wait til it gets cold out!! except then i'll be depressed
by the weather and memories but. if im not over this by
then i'll probably have killed myself anyway.

Matt at Barnes and Noble said that they would let me know
if my new availability is okay.. I dont care either way,
honestly. I wouldnt mind doing it for awhile, and being
crazy busy, and Im not dying to do it either so I dont


are there mountains in colorado?

what the hell IS in colorado? ugh.

bye i'm guna get dressed - for WORK! - and then study til i
have to go.