Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2003-09-07 17:49:28 (UTC)

'Some Day, I'll be Saturday Night...

...i'll be back on my feet,
i'll be doing all right....
i ain't going down,
i'm guna find a way.
...hey, man, i'm alive,
i'm taking each day
a night at a time.
yeah i'm down, but i know
i'll get by."


helplessness. a lot of people feel it. a lot of people
embrace it. and some fill the void with alcohol or drugs or
sex or violence. i don't know which of those i'd run to.

i sit and rock myself to sleep until the feeling goes away.
-------------------------------------------------------
chris found cristy and i in the lobby last night. he sat
and talked to us and made cristy do a push up...i tried
too, but not only was i unsuccessful, i was tired, and
cramps didn't help. ...an excuse...then again, i haven't
done a push up in weeks...i could just be too weak. then,
he convinced us to go to walmart with him and steve. i
could hang out with them again. i had fun. chris is so
big. ...big. 6 foot something and his muscles make him even
more intimidating. and steve's a thin, scruffy punk looking
kid. in the back seat of chris's car, i watched them talk.
guys talk about some of the same things girls do. steve's
band is going to be famous one day and he is going to buy
chris whatever car, guitar, house and sound system chris
wants. how sweet. and how similar to what i've told some of
my friends.

back on campus, steve left to go shower and get ready for
the party later that night. and cristy and i went to
chris's room. he showed innocent cristy and i porn...some
of it made my ovaries hurt. but it was just to get a rise
out of cristy who'd never seen a second of it in her life.
ha! good times. and we watched comedy central downloads,
which was my favorite part. reminded me of orlando and how
i'd recite every word with brian and avery.

brian kept calling cristy because he was probably done
having his fun with the guys and felt like humoring her; so
she gave in and left to go see him. maybe i didn't want her
to leave me alone with chris, maybe i truly hate brian
somewhere deep inside...but i was loud about not wanting
her to go. she's heard it all before. she knows. i'll shut
up. but i also told her i'd NEVER be mad at her just for
making her own choices.

so it was down to chris and i...and Comedy Central Presents
Todd Barry. we talked over it most of the time. he
explained some of his past relationships and asked me about
mine b/c i mentioned knowing how cristy felt. he's a good
guy in there. he just hides it like most men with a
shallow, drunken, macho facade. i hate that. what are they
afraid of? i prefer guys that have nothing to prove and no
desire to impress.

but he played the guitar for me.

i'd either give a request or i'd guess a rif he played. a
night well spent. just showed me what i miss out on when i
pass invitations up because i'm scared of being in an alien
place and embarrassed. but i did have to say 'no' to the
party he was going to. too many people i didn't know...and
mixed with alcohol, i'm not that social yet.

i went to sleep with a satisfied feeling in my chest...like
i'm not a total waste of time.




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