2003-09-07 05:55:02 (UTC)

Give yourself over... absolute pleasure. Don't dream it, be it."

I love Rocky. I wish she had gone. It would have been much
more fun than whining and bitching until he rented it and
then sat there like an asshole and wouldnt even smile.
Haha what a prick. I'm very refreshed to know that I spent
the evening with him and try as he might, I feel no

Because I almost cried when I got her message.. not just
cus she couldnt go, I figured she would even though I let
my hopes up a little bit, but also because she knew I was
with him, even though I told her I would be and even
though the bitch was home.. I felt bad.. I shouldnt be the
one who feels bad..

UGH. and then I got home and we were starting the movie
and I checked her diary like I always do and then I really
did cry... and he knows somethings going on with me but
I'm not sure he knows exactly.. and I dont
really care.

there are so many things

you know its like old times when we hang out me and
adrienne i mean but then i know that its not something i
should be doing and i still do it and i know its not enough
for her but its the best i can do because i enjoy her
company and im sure she enjoys mine and i do want her to
stay away from brat but i know that she wont cause she
already told herself that she needs him or someone to feel
whole but i know she can do better than that if she could
learn to live for herself.But he will call and she will go
and feel like shit once again like always and there is
nothing i or anyone else can do about it...and i cant be
around all the time like she needs to keep her from running
back to him. i cant just up and leave my life whether or
not the life im in sucks or not its not in me im not a mean
or bad person. i cant just leave a person with out a
reason ..she has good reason cause for 5 years now she has
been repeatedly put through shit by the same person over
and over and she knows that all he wants is someone to f...
not to be vulgar but whatever if thats all she wants to be
than thats her but he never will be able to love her but
maybe thats my opinion i could be wrong..hell i hope im

And u know what i also remembered today is that one day a
long time ago she told me that we would never get back
together..and yet she wants me to turn around and change my
life all around to do exactly what she said would never
happen.....but i dont mean to sound mean or bitter im none
of those things ....i love spending time with her and i
always for some reason or another seem to loose the time we
spend and then she comes back ..its back and forth all the
time .. i cant deal with that plus my own shit .. i dont
know what to do ..i cant please everyone or anyone. i cant
have what i want i dont know what i want .. but i like what
i have been doing in the past few days and i dont want her
to run back to him out of loneliness ..but i cant stop her
from doing what ever she wants to do .... im upset now im
going to free my mind

free her mind? thats nice.

now i really feel like an asshole for being so blunt about
it all... because i understand shes in a situation now.. i
just dont understand why.. but im not making anything any
easier for her and it was selfish of me to bring it up when
i should have known it wouldnt do any good.

i dont remember ever saying that we'd never get back
together. but i was a different person then. i like to
think. and i believe that. so maybe i did. i was pretty
angry and confused. not to make excuses. not at all.

On another depressing note, its never seemed so
true... "she knows all he wants is someone to fuck." He
knows, he knows I'm upset and disturbed by something but it
doesnt matter, he has to be all over me.. even without any
response except "get the fuck off me." and he doesnt quit...
But he's gotten no where so far, so i'm proud of that.
It feels good to send him home to take care of it his damn
self, just like it feels good to have him sit and
whine "Why are you being so mean to me?"... I try to be a
good person but he deserves it, no one else ever did.

and I guess I think in his own fucked up way he does love
me, but I may be wrong.. I have a way of twisting reality
into what I want... so it sounds like a good explanation
tonight.. Adam has said that for years. And Claudia and
Ashley... and I'm sure everyone thinks it, even those too
tactful to say it.

That makes me sad. Because I really DONT want to be a
whore. I want to be a lover, not a fucker. And if I were
to be honest and go against all of my Scorpion nature, I
would admit that the part of it all I most enjoy is laying
and cuddling and kissing... none of which we make a habit
of doing.

Oh but it's so hard.. without anyone around.. and
loneliness my biggest fear... the only friend I have left
in Orlando is Claudia and shes never around anymore... and
theres always in the back of my mind "am i making a
mistake" because EVERYTHING i have done has been a

if I could work two jobs, go to school and see her once in
awhile, and see claudia once in awhile, i think i could do
it. knowing its right. i said to him tonight, something
about treating me like shit.. and I got "I treat you
wonderfully." And the courthouse just echoed in my head,
the whole feeling of dizziness and light headed ness and he
refusing to spend $1 on a bottle of water...

I'm not happy. cus i dont know if that bitch works
tomorrow... and anyway he wants to pay to tint my car for
me tomorrow, but I want to see her tomorrow, but i know
it'll make me feel bad, and i dont even know if i can.. im
a big mess seriously..

i wish money was the only issue.. i would spend all measly
$689 in savings on lottery tickets, i would win and then
she could go with me somewhere far away where i could just
make her happy and help her and she could take care of me
and love me again and all this mess of cutting and crying
and dying would be behind both of us. and i would paint
our house purple and our lizards would be friends.

"Cus I've seen blue skies, through the tears in my eyes.."

i'm a fucking idiot. goodnight.