psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2003-09-06 23:06:40 (UTC)

come on babe why dont we paint the town

and all that jazz


She wont go. She wont be "able" to. Which is bullshit
because even with him if I really WANT to do something, I
find a way.. but, hey. Im not forcing anyone..

Ive really put myself out there as much as I can and made
an ass of myself for nothing so. She wont leave her. So.
Whateva.

I might as well watch this stupid fucking movie with him.
Let him buy me some stuf and try to win me back over..
continue with our stupid little waltz for now. If nothing
else but out of boredom.

But you know what. At least I'm honest with myself. And
with the people involved. I haven't been going around for
the last week pretending like everything's fine with him.
He knows something's wrong. He knows I'm not answering the
phone.
And SHE knows that I'm missing her. Which is more than I
can say for her. She can't say "I miss you too" or "No I
dont really miss you and I won't leave her" or anything.

She knew when we were together when I was happy and when I
wasnt. And maybe I should have been happy all the time. I
probably should have. But at least I was honest, and I was
honest about why, but I'm still the bitch.

I still think, I realized that communication was our
biggest problem.. because I saw her hanging out with this
fucking bitch and I said "I'm losing her, I better keep him
around." And maybe she saw me with him and said "I'm
losing her, I better hang out with this bitch." But what
good will pointing fingers do now, at myself or at anyone
else?

I have to think of it as over. And to me, that means I
should probably back off with the time-spending and the
talking because it has been consuming me. And we all know
I cant be alone. Whether its all in my head or not. And
so that means, whatever anyone says, I will pick up the
phone tonight. Because she has to work this shit out first
and then if I need to, I will drop him. Which sounds mean
and selfish but I KNOW he's not the one who will make me
happy. But I will keep him around until she figures her
own shit out, or anything else, because it's better than
nothing, especially when I dont really care, I wont get
that upset. But I should try not to see her anymore.
Because its killing me.

I'm irritated right now. Well what did I expect. This is
me. I fuck things up and then I want to fix them. Fuck
it.