Sara9870

Sara
2003-09-06 20:17:31 (UTC)

insane all around

its a beautiful day and i just spent an hour or so pacing
and crying, woke up feeling shame from being so drunk last
night, i saw chris and just drank and drank and drank, and
whats funny is that i woke up wondering should i get back
together with him? i want to. my friend would all kill me.
my brother told me he would have chris killed. but what if
he is different now. whats wrong with me for considering
this? i cant help feeling what i feeel tho, when he called
yesterday i just wanted to sink down into a couch and
listen to his voice,
walking here just now to my parents house i was thinking
didnt you learn that you do things when you feel comfortable
doing them? with boys, with life? dont you know by now to
trust your intuition? but i always thought i had to
intuition when it came to him, he just sent me into a
whirlwind of emotion, and conflict. i still love him. very
much. how can you still love someone after they do something
like that to you? i know he still feels for me. i know how
highly he thinks of me. oh god i just wrote him an email,
deleted it. what if id have a good life with him. what if he
stays sober. what if he would be a good husband, father. why
do i think of him as final? is it because thats how he
speaks to me? he says, ill have to marry you if i ever get
you to get back together with me. is this just because no
man has ever been so passionate about me. really been able
to see me. he was a face that didnt look through me. he
always makes me feel understood. made me feel sexy, even
last night, i felt him staring at my ass "the same jeans i
see, i love it sara"
he said in the beginning, how he got me to keep seeing him,
he said in the end you follow your heart not your head. he
said that to me at dinner a few weeks ago to, and i threw it
back in his face, well then you never loved him, you didnt
follow your heart, you went for someone else.
but arent they linked. heart and head. shouldnt it be
easier. shouldnt it feel right. but its the same, now as it
ever was, when i am with him it feels right. just feels
natural. but when we arent togther, werent together doubt
started to trickle in.
i dont know whats going on

my dad is putting on space camp. i love this movie. i just
ordered a gyro and im gonna watch space camp even though its
a lovely day outside. ill walk to the park later and watch
the boats and after all that i will feel a lot better

i was thinking, he is an alcoholic and always will be. even
if he never drinks again and i am crazy and always will be,
even if i never totally go crazy again.

i need to get myself together, my mind together, i dont know
why i am feeling like this,
lost and crying and emotional i dont understand




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