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2003-09-06 08:59:52 (UTC)

stupid boys

omg i am such a faggot

so what a day.
today i made tomato sauce all friggen day, which was
actually fun. time with grandma. and i like pretending i am
a woman doing the cooking while the men are tilling the
then yankee game, they lost 9-3 but it was ok. only thing,
was that chris was there, and it was scary awkward horrible
looking over and seeing him sitting so close, weird, this
time last year how close we were all thats happened take
into account, yuk , yuk/ i talked to him briefly. he was
being reserved as julie was there giving him the look of
death. he's been asking why cant we be together? i say
because you lied and cheated and ill never trust you and
will probably never trust anyone because of you. he was
sober tho, at a baseball game no less, and i am proud of
him. i am. he called twice today and his voice made me melt.
seeing him at the game i was drunk, so i felt distanced and
i sort of understood why he is an alcoholic. everything is
less real. theres a distance. it does make reality easier
to bear. easier to bear because its just not all there. i
dont know what i feel.

after the game, beer gardens, then another bar...
ohanolins, closeby , where chris and i always went, it was
his bar... the bartender immediatly asked me about him when
i walked in... i told her.. he moved.. he doesnt drink
anymore...and he lied and cheated on me the whole time...
she said "they are all the same"

fuck that.

then veron rico alex came to drive us home and i have the
biggest crush on alex and i believe everybody knows. i was
drunk so i was daring enough to lay my arm on his leg. they
dropped me off here, and he got out to let me out, hug and
kiss and he said something, "dont rush me/" which may
totally not be what he said, and i am not goona think about
it, and just ignore him forever. ok.