2003-09-06 03:47:33 (UTC)

one hell of a nap.

i meant to sleep for an hour before friends. but instead i
slept for 6, only waking up when he called twice again...
leave me alone. why cant i pick up and say it? what am i
so scared of?

another dream... i keep having them.. except for last night
though, it was strange, it wasnt her last night it was
dying girls... just broken images of dying girls. and it
was as i was falling asleep.. there were girls falling
through the air, crumpling as they hit the ground. and
different views of them laying dead in a pile.

but anyway - another dream, we went to this place that i
applied today.. and when we got there, matt was there,
interviewing with this lady i saw there, who was nice and
smiled at me. but she was yelling at him. "You are so
arrogant and I can tell you're an asshole just by looking
at you," and he was yelling back and we walked in and he
came up to us. and Caroline was like, "I told you not to
apply when Mom was here." and he went into the bathroom
and the lady came up to me and said hi. and I was
like "please, please dont let him come back up to me,
because she hates him and she wont hire me if she knows
we're friends." But he did, and his eyes were wet and
red, and she started again "GET OUT OF HERE, I told you to
get out of here," and she smiled at me but in a different
way and I knew, she wouldnt hire me now.

Then we were at the store, this store at the marketplace,
that doesnt really exist... and I drove us. And she gets a
call, while we're in there, and she says "Diana's coming,
so you'll have to hide when she gets here, but I'll get
rid of her as fast as I can," so I'm scared but there's no
time for me to leave.. so she comes, and I see her walk in
and I go the other way, and they walk in my direction but
she hasnt seen me, and I go out the back door and then into
another smaller store, and I'm freaking out, and I'm
behind this rack and I see them come in and I'm like fuck,
and I walk around the other way and out but I see her look
at me and say something, and Caroline's like "Oh, maybe it
is.." and I walk out and I walk toward my car and I'm
losing it , silently sobbing and I know they're following
me so I'm very scared that I wont make it.. and I hear them
talking, they're right behind me and they had to know I
heard them but talking like they didnt.. and she said
something like "My hearts just not in it, you know" and she
was like "I know, I understand" and I unlocked my car and
Diana was like "it must be her because thats her car" and
I got in and they were standing outside my window.

And I looked up at them and I was still crying and Diana
was sort of in front of my car but I didnt really see her
you know like always and I pulled out and I was going crazy
and then I see Claudia walking toward my car with this
little thing of white flowers and shes like "here, it's
okay" and she gets in and I pull foward and theres Ashley
also with white flowers and shes like "here, can i come"
and I said yes. and I saw them walking to a car, and
caroline stood outside while the bitch drove away but it
was very calm.

And I was telling Ashley what happened and she was
like "But she wasn't with Diana, I saw her there.. she was
with her friend Allison.." and thats all I remember.

I have to wake up early and go take my drug test. Alone.
I dont want to do it alone. I'm scared. =( I know it's
been plenty long enough that I'm fine, it's not that, I'm
just scared to go alone. But I wont call him, even for
that... plus, I'd never get rid of him and she might take
the puppy to the park...

I have a real problem with names... naming pets, nicknames,
names of people I hate.. I never say "erica." or "Diana."
if i have to, or if i have to hear the name even, i get
angry.. i had to above in order for it to make sense.
because I still have my pronoun problem lol that used to
drive Ashley nuts. or people i dont know well.. "He"
or "She" or "that girl." it's weird.

my fucking head hurts so bad. i think im going to take a
bath and go back to bed.