2003-09-05 16:43:51 (UTC)

back to this for a second..

Dreem4Cozim: do you know why u feel what you
feel....think what you think? do you, adrienne, know where
it's all from?
Dreem4Cozim: bc that'd be a good place to start
Dreem4Cozim: fix it
LaDiDaGrl: no i dont understand any of it

I dont, thats true, because I dont understand anything I do
or think. But where does it come from. I dont know. My
first boyfriend in Sarasota, Tyler Dukes. He was an
asshole. He was a lying asshole. And I adored him, as
much as a 6th grader can adore someone.

Then I had to leave and come here. Where I met Ben and
Richard. And Richard was sweet and he liked me and Ben was
an asshole and he liked me. And for some reason I was
crazy about Ben. And that was when I began to feel like a
whore and then that ended with a hole in the wall.
"Does this mean putting out doesnt get you love?"

Ashley. Changed my life completely. Loved me and I fucked
her over - this was probably where THAT began.. I wont take
full responsibility for that, because what can a 14 year
old do if her mother forbids her to see someone? I could
have tried harder but thats not the point. The point is
sitting in Ben Hall's room in Sarasota, talking to Ashley
online and realizing. I can't be with her anymore. Soo I
should tell her I'm fucking him and make it easier on both
of us. Easier for her to hate me and easier for me,
because we all learn when we're like, 3, that being mean
makes your own pain go away.

So that is probably where that angle of it started... I had
blown off good people before but not that I really was
attached to and not in such a mean way..

Then. I met him. I had JUST broke up with Ashley. I
swore I didnt want a relationship. And I dont know what
that was. I saw him and I said "Gross, Katie. Dude, he's
so greasy." And that night he tried to hug me and I backed
away... and I dont remember how it happened. He's an actor
who can turn the charisma on full blast. And THAT, of
course changed my life. Suddenly I was inside St Lukes
wishing I was outside smoking pot with Katie. And he
said "I hate drugs." and I didnt do it again. Adam told
me "He hates gay people." And from that moment on, Ashley
was "my ex best friend."

When I knew he was done with me and shit was going to hell
I ended it. Also a little because I liked Katie and we
were together a lot. Then I cried for weeks couldnt get
out of bed didnt eat, nothing. All my friends were his
friends and he wouldnt even return my calls. Then Katie
and I went to shit, and the day her and I had this big
fight outside of GALAXY, Dawn and I met Claudia and Ashley
at Harold and Maudes. It was Valentines Day. Ashley
said "You need to get laid." Richard called. And said "I
just wanted to say happy valentines day and tell you that I
love you." well then that didnt take me long to make the
connection. You know. And the next morning I drove him
home and he got out of the car and I said to Dawn, I think
I'm done with that now. I went over to Adams one day and
Navin was there. And this whole stupid thing, if I took my
clothes off they'd kiss and this and Navin took his shirt
off and I said oh my god. He has Matt's body, Matt's
skin. I need that....... and he, I actually think he
really liked me a lot too. But that only lasted a month.
And then Matt called me one night and he said "come see

Caroline........ and I should have known that wasnt ever
going to be perfect or easy, how could it have been, but
I didnt care... I was infatuated with her in a way that I
thought could never be anything but then it was.. and I
dont know what my problem is. because she did so much for
me and I know I loved her back. And even though I remember
trouble we had, I look back on that as one of the happier
times I've had... but it seems I have a real problem
holding on to good people...

So I have gone back and forth between him and people I love
but I think sometimes distance gives you perspective.
Where I now see Ashley as my best friend, my soul mate
maybe, she understands me. I remember Richard as a good
friend who loved me and was sweet to me no matter what.
And I know Richard will fade away, he already almost has..
I dont think Ashley will. I always feel that she'll be
there in some way. And I love them but I dont ever feel
like I'm still IN love with them.
But I do feel like Im still in love with her...

I was in a very reflective mood earlier where I could have
possibly dug deeper into this but now i'm just sleepy and i
just went to the store with her so a little happy because i
didnt expect to see her today.. and a little annoyed that
he keeps calling. i dont want to answer, will he get the

i think im going to get drunk with my mom and watch friends.
i slept with her last night. i hadnt for awhile, i hadnt
felt like i needed to. but last night. i felt so alone.
and i felt like if i didnt, i would have driven over there
and said NO COME WITH ME like a crazy girl from a movie. i
cant stand when shes home there with her, thinking about it
literally makes me want to kill myself.

i prayed some more today... i thanked god for helping me to
keep looking for a good job, because I finally found one..
and I asked him to help me to do the right thing with
this... I told him that Matt makes me feel like shit and
she makes me smile....even though everyone says he hates
gay people. But she says he doesnt, thats not true. So
maybe he will help me. I think i will read the bible,
too. I'm going to church sunday probably. maybe this is
right for me.. i never thought it was. but apparently, im
pretty clueless as to whats right for me. and unlike other
things, with god they say its never too late. so.