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2003-09-05 04:25:45 (UTC)

Alone and confused...and tired.......and so much more

This has been another night where I just can't seem to have
the sense to fall asleep. I've felt so alone lately. Maybe
its because all of the people I finally learned to care
about finally learned the truth about me. That I'm fake,
that I'm just a boy with mask of ideals of philsophies but
it ends up in hypocrisy. I've always hated myself, always
because I wasn't who wanted to to be, I was too much like
my father...
I hate the feeling of lonliness. For the first time in my
life I felt like I wasn't alone in the world. That people
would be there for me and care for me. That I had friends a
girl friend and I was happy...happy. God have you read my
past entries. Then everything just fell like dominoes. My
girlfriend left, my lost the solid friendships I once had
and now old some meager mediocre ones. I believe all that
I've feared from the beginning came true. That eventually,
all these people will leave and if I were to care then I
would be hurt..maybe thats all it is. But I choice this
path, and I won't regret that..
I really don't know what do with myself anymore. I really
want to assess myself for a minute here. Figure things out.
I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do with myself,
don't know how to act, don't know what to feel. For just
one god for sakened second...I want to know what to do, i
want to know who I am, who i want to be, what i want to do.
I thought i had a plan, i thought i would stop the
THAT AMOUNT TO NOTHING... I'm all alone again. And i can't
take it right now. I just want to bounce back...trully. I
want to be the stronger...i want to help people, i dont'
want anymore emotional strangles from people. I want to be
in control. I want to be unfalliable, i want to be hope for
those who have lost in touch of that. I just don't want to
be me right now...i don't want to be here not being able to
sleep and weep about my miseries like some idiot without
any sense of how pathetic he really is. I just want to be a
new me. A change. I want to stop hating everything about
me. Worrying and frustrating at the heart from people, that
I can be like a stone sometimes. I live to be win. Aren't I good enough...can't I do better,
why must i hold everything back, why must i fall into
habit. I don't want to hold anything back, i don't want to
regret, i want to be better, stronger. I'm weak, i'm lost,
i'm alone. I need to walk on with life. I need to be
stronger, not say it. But I do that all the
can't I doubt. I'm nothing but cheap words that don't
amount to anything. How can i change. how can i be brave,
be strong, when i'm feeble and weak body and mind. how can
people change, how can lives change. I don't inspiration
anymore, I just want to find inner strength, i don't want
to rely on people any longer. I want to be strong for
myself,...i want to be happy...again... how can i be this
though. I'm fake. I try to be things that i know i'm not.
I'm serious and pretending to be alone only wishing that
this act will attract others. I'm cocky and arrogant at
times so maybe people will like it, i'm depressed and sad
so maybe they can pity me and be my friend, I'm so FUCKING
pathetic. I"m so fucking stupid. Look at my life. I can do
better, i can be better. But i've become this...this person
that is just despicable. I fooled my ex to liking a person
that wasn't real. I tricked her..and i fooled people. I
wanted to make her happy. But how can I, as I really am.
How can I..when i'm even like this. I want to be the best
soemday, to be better, so no one can beat me. so now one
can hurt me. I want to save people, and let them rely on
me. Be the candle that will never extenguish when the
darkness in the world surrounds you. I have all these
ideals...all these plans, but then....when you really see
through me...its all just meaningless words. You as the
reader probably hate me already. You should. I hate
myself.. but i know i can do this. Bounce back. Learn to
love myself and all that care bear mumbo jumbo. Just alone
right now, trying to figure my life out. Trying to change.
Trying to be better. Trying to figure out who I am and what
i want to do and become.

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