psychomagnet

his name is tetris.

"theres two things i know. i know you dont need to be with
him. and i know that if youre alone you'll end up with
him."

but what about her..
"if you can do this with the minimal amount of damage, you
should. but you're not a minimal amount of damage kind of
girl....youre more like a maximum amount of damage kind of
girl."

yeah. just what i needed to hear. but she knows me, she
knows everything. and. well what can i do.

its too hard now. it was easy before and it didnt work
then.

why cant i just do what i KNOW and not how i feel. because
how i feel never got me any fucking where. it got me
here. in my own fucked up mess.

and im an asshole for even bringing her into this at all
when i know theres nothing left to do.

and shes going to stay with her. because she loves her?
probably not. because its easy? probably. or like i
said. maybe im just fooling myself into that. who knows.
it doesnt matter anyway, the reason.

it doesnt matter because its too late now and i know that i
know its a fact that all the bullshit "love is all you
need" no fuck that its not. you also need convienience.
and you need to get along. and you need it to be easy.
and i dont even fucking know fuck it..

but i dont need people telling me "oh just go have fun."
i dont want to have fun. i dont want to meet one of these
stupid girls off of stupid face the jury and fuck around
with them and "have fun." thats not fun to me. and why
should i waste my time with that shit when ive found
someone i love who loved me and i fucked it up...

but i just want to die. i really do. i need to get it all
out of my head and away from me because this is pointless
and its too late.

i was so happy just being with her walking around and the
only thing making me sad was knowing that i couldnt grab
her and kiss her right then and there and that shed have to
leave and shed go home to her and i just. want to die.
god, please send a fatal car accident my way tomorrow. but
let the other person live. im just too tired for it
anymore. im too fucking tired.

LaDiDaGrl: fix it
Dreem4Cozim: oh no
Dreem4Cozim: fix what?
LaDiDaGrl: i miss her
Dreem4Cozim: ...i know...i can tell
Dreem4Cozim: i read your journal the other day
LaDiDaGrl: we hung out tonight.
Dreem4Cozim: and it made me sad that you're thinking
about it
Dreem4Cozim: did it go good?
LaDiDaGrl: why sad?
LaDiDaGrl: it was good but its pointless
Dreem4Cozim: bc it makes you sad....
Dreem4Cozim: i haven't felt what you feel, but i can
empathize...somehow
Dreem4Cozim: i just don't know what to say
LaDiDaGrl: just fix it.
Dreem4Cozim: seriously...
Dreem4Cozim: i can only say that taking time alone would
do some good
Dreem4Cozim: sounds like a crock of shit
LaDiDaGrl: i cant be alone i'll end up with him and he
makes me want to die
Dreem4Cozim: do u know what i'm talking about?
like...i'm sorry
Dreem4Cozim: i'm not helping
LaDiDaGrl: nobody can help me. i fucked up everything i
could possibly fuck up and now im alone.
Dreem4Cozim: dont think of it that way...
LaDiDaGrl: im going to die. alone.
Dreem4Cozim: when you say you're alone...do you say it bc
no one understands?
Dreem4Cozim: or do you feel like no one's around
LaDiDaGrl: everything
Dreem4Cozim: did you talk to claudia?
LaDiDaGrl: yeah
Dreem4Cozim: did that go all right? or...okay....with me,
i can talk and talk to someone and think that what they say
makes sense, but then i think again when they're gone...and
it messes me up again
Dreem4Cozim: does that happen to u?
LaDiDaGrl: yes
LaDiDaGrl: she said "if you can do this with the minimal
amount of damage, you should. but you're not a minimal
amount of damage kind of girl....youre more like a maximum
amount of damage kind of girl."
Dreem4Cozim: is that true?
LaDiDaGrl: yes
LaDiDaGrl: i suppose it is
Dreem4Cozim: do you know why u feel what you
feel....think what you think? do you, adrienne, know where
it's all from?
Dreem4Cozim: bc that'd be a good place to start
Dreem4Cozim: ...to fix it
LaDiDaGrl: no i dont understand any of it
Dreem4Cozim: oh
Dreem4Cozim: well then
LaDiDaGrl: i dont understand why i fuck everything up and
then sit and want to die because its gone
LaDiDaGrl: she really loved me
LaDiDaGrl: and i KNOW that
LaDiDaGrl: but i even doubt that now
LaDiDaGrl: that maybe she just wanted someone you know
LaDiDaGrl: and even though she doesnt love this girl
LaDiDaGrl: she doesnt make her sad either
Dreem4Cozim: you're too passionate and she's lukewarm...
LaDiDaGrl: well now she is who could fucking blame her
Dreem4Cozim: okay, i didn't say this and i'm posting it
bc it's not too insulting ...it's all i can think to tell
you. my therapist wrote it in some exersise ...."either you
need to learn to tone down or find someone to teach you to
realize that no one can read your mind...talk as much as
possible. even if it makes no sense and talk to someone who
cares."
Dreem4Cozim: but it was for me
Dreem4Cozim: so i dunno where that stands with you
Dreem4Cozim: it pissed me off when i read it
Dreem4Cozim: but now i get it
Dreem4Cozim: and i'm sorry if i made a mistake in giving
it to you
Dreem4Cozim: i can make all the guesses i want about how
you are and what you should do...but i don't have the right
or the ability
Dreem4Cozim: so i'm not
LaDiDaGrl: no it doesnt piss me off. but i DO talk.
LaDiDaGrl: i told her. kick her out. i told her i miss
her and i love her and kick her out but it doesnt matter.
she wont or she cant or whatever.
Dreem4Cozim: oh
LaDiDaGrl: and i think, in my own cocky little fucked up
head, that she still loves me. and she doesnt love her.
but its too hard now.
LaDiDaGrl: and then theres matt who doesnt understand why
i wont answer the phone.
Dreem4Cozim: would you leave matt if she said she'd leave
diane or whoever and be with you?
LaDiDaGrl: if i somehow knew that i could get far enough
away from him that it wouldnt get fucked up this time
LaDiDaGrl: but tonight im thinking fuck it. i'll stay
with him in my shitty little feel like shit want to die
unreal "relationship", because thats what i deserve. thats
what i "wanted" and thats what i got.
Dreem4Cozim: is it in you to leave him and the
relationship....be single and "alone", take a break....bc
if you feel alone now, why dont you cut him off and make it
official. could you be with your friends and learn to get
along with just you to make yourself function (if possible,
be happy)
Dreem4Cozim: it sounds like you've gotten swallowed up
and you need to figure out what to do to get out.
Dreem4Cozim: staying would be bad. i can see that much.
LaDiDaGrl: i'll never figure it out on my own i know that
much
LaDiDaGrl: because i thought i loved him. i mean. i
know i did. but i know i dont LIKE him. i hate him. and i
know that, like you said, one person cant make enough
effort. and i just think that... i know i loved her. and
i know i still do. and i know i like her too. and she
really loved me so i know that if i could give her
everything ive tried to give him because im an idiot, then
it would be amazing.
LaDiDaGrl: because shes really amazing.
LaDiDaGrl: and i just dont know.
LaDiDaGrl: i have to forget about it.
Dreem4Cozim: yeah
Dreem4Cozim: ....damn, adrienne
LaDiDaGrl: i have to go to sleep and hope that i either
dont wake up or i wake up with an empty mind and let it go.
Dreem4Cozim: :-(
Dreem4Cozim: i love you, think of that, when you sleep
Dreem4Cozim: think of dawn and claudia and ashley and
your little guy and the bad ass person you are. you're
beautiful and sweet...and although you give alot and get
nothing...you WILL get yours. sooner or later
Dreem4Cozim: so wake up
Dreem4Cozim: don't sleep forever
LaDiDaGrl: thank you=) i love you too.
Dreem4Cozim: night babe