ProblemChild

Is this even considered a life?
2003-09-04 22:58:39 (UTC)

ugh...pretty much at the worst...n my wrists

HMMM where to start off..... i havnt writin in awhile... so
im just gonna forget alot of what happen awhile ago n tell
u whats been up recently....well.... uhhhh was it
tuesday?.. no wednesday...yea i think it was then.... i
didnt come home right after school n like i dont no jaime n
sara took forever n they said they wouldnt b that long n i
dont no so when i got home janine was home and i was like
great im gonna get bitched at...n she was like where have u
been how many times have we had this discussion how hard is
it to leave a note..bitch bitch bitch..... and i was like i
dont no and shit and she was liek well u cant go newhere
tonight or after school tomorrow or friday and then i was
like fine i might as well kill myself(becuz u dont
understand I HATE SCHOOL the only thing that gets me
through the day really is noing im gonna get to hang out w/
like whitney n sara afta school n shit) n she was like
what? and i was like i think ill just kill myself and she
was like alright well leave a note(BITCH!) and i was like i
will and i'll blame it all on you....and like she was like
before or w/e actually u cant go newhere on friday(which i
dont think is happening...its the weekend..the only time i
have to really get away, ya know?) and so i was like i
think ill go out neways and shit n then i went upstairs to
my room n i was like i hate this house..oh yea thats cuz
she wouldnt let me go to the railroad tracks to do my
homework cuz i'm "grounded"(fucking bullshit!)...and she
said u no what heres some choices(or somehting like that)
you can go live with your mom or you can go to boarding
school and i said somethin and she was liek well if you
dont like it so much blahblahblah and i was like did you
ever think i like my friends and thats y im here?! and shes
like i dont care if you dont wanna follow our rules when ur
in this house you can blahblahblah...and i just like went
in my room and turned on nirvana and cut my wrists and i
was seriously thinking of killing myself..i mean y else
would i be cutting on my wrists if i wasnt?.... it didnt
bleed much which made me wanna cut it deeper..but yea then
my neighbors("the crack head ones..literally) were all
outside with like a bunch of friends playin volleyball or
w/e and i was jealous that they were having such a good
time and there was this boy that i thought was pretty cute
or maybe i just thought so cuz i was vulnerable haha but i
just sat there with my wrists out and watched them for
awhile... and then i decided to go out on the front porch
and draw while i watched them...and i drew a picture that
im quite proud of..it says happy people suck... hahahaha..
i like that. and well then i started gettin bit up by bugs
n stuff so i went inside n i dont no went to sleep?... but
yea then the next day at school...which was yesterday..so i
suppose it did happen tuesday... no1 said nething about it
(my cuts) really until during the asymbly when sarah g.
noticed and then in 4th hour stupid boy was like shouting
to the class.."DID YOU TRY N KILL YOURSELF?..YOU TRIED TO
KILL YOURSELF..LOOK AT HER WRISTS." and i wanted to kill
him because he wouldnt get it through his fat head that i
didnt try..i thought about it... theres a difference.. if i
woulda tried to kill myself i woulda actually hit the vein
n gone to the hospital and not died or w/e but i just began
to cut myself there n did cause ne real damage..ya get what
im saying?...n then sara noticed at lunch and then ashley
guy noticed in spanish..ugh...n zhe looked at my drawing
notebook....:l... n then ummm i dunno... but the thing
that kinda scared me is i dont no if i hated the attentuion
or if i actually liked it... i mean i wanted certain people
to notice... i had to keep myself from like putting them
out there for "them" to c.. i dont no... but yea.... n then
today school was alright i suppose.. i dont go to EB and i
forged a note to excuse me :)... i missed my ride with
whitney so i got one with sara which was kool... cept
janine n my dad kept buggin me this morning about leaving
and shit.."Your still here?!"...blahblahblah.... and so i
went outside n sat at the end of the driveway n waited...
GOD I HATE SCHOOL ... that was another reason i want"ed" to
die... the thought of not having to go to school again...
thats how much i hate it.. at times i just wanna walk out
and be like alright im done with school for the day... you
should b allowed to do that!...:l ..ok well i guess im
done typing....uhhhh..Farewell?
Oh! and ive been having really shitty dreams lately..like
mr clark n him grabbing my arm and me not feeling safe and
the one where some guy tried to rape me and i had one of my
scarey ones where everything is moving slow but it feels
like its moviing fast and i woke up and everything was
still that way and it feels like im having a panic
attack... i hate those... i had to go like listen to music
and get everything back on rythm.... its crazy... well
alright...bye now




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