BeautyFiend

The void
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2003-09-03 19:34:44 (UTC)

hmm

i Had a big conversation with mother today. About my lack
of real friends. she thinks i should just ignore them the
way they ignore me and wait for them to come to me for
once.but if i do that,i'll end up with no one, just like
before.so i don't have much choice but to like it or lump
it.i have to carry on being ignored everytime i say
something, feeling like a outcast or a misfit...like i
don't belong with them.to be honest i don't feel as if i
belong with anyone i know.At college they are all so
different from me.my circle of friends do the same things,
go the same places at the same times as me, yet i still
feel like i don't belong.no matter how many hints i drop or
how many times i fly off the handle to one of them about
being practically invisible, not one of them understands.At
first i thought maybe sazene would,but it turns out shes
just the same as them.all matey and friendly one minute and
then the next...she's gone.gone to her other crowd, without
even telling me or saying bye. The sad thing is, if i lose
these people, i have no one.the only people i have to stop
me being alone are the ones that are making me miserable.I
have decided to use our evening at Frankie and Benny's as a
test. to see who actually knows i exist.if i'm ignored..as
usual(which i most probably will be) i have decided to get
my coat and leave. the first person to follow me will be
Skye. "whats wrong?" "why did you leave? are you ok?" then
comes the all important "we don't ignore you! don't be
sillly!" if i wasn't ignored and was being 'silly' i
wouldn't be so god damn miserable would i?
I can't blame the way i'm suddenly feeling on my 'friends'
though. it's not just that and i know it. but what else is
it?! maybe college, or my uncle being unwell.maybe i just
need a change of direction.The only person i can fully
trust and rely on is Tel,without him it's safe to say i
would have fallen apart by now.i don't need pages and pages
of advice. i just need someone to hug me and listen to me
moan, which he does. what am i, addicted to misery or
something?! even when i have nothing to worry about i feel
like this. it's boredom...it has to be i have too much time
to sit around and think up things to worry about there is
no other explaination. unless everyone goes through this
which i seriously doubt.Creating another problem for
myself...self harm.something iv'e been thinking about alot
lately. intense urges and 'needs' to let out my anger.i
can't keep doing this to myself though. my head is fucked
up enough already without this making it worse i'm doing ok
though, ever since the razor blade incident iv'e not broken
my promise to myself and i don't intend to.For now, i shall
concentrate on things that mean alot to me, those being my
boyfriend, my parents, my uncle, my courses and trying to
control the way i feel. i intend to carry on writing
pointless ramblings like this for it means my twisted
thoughts and feelings are kept away from prying eyes. for
now, i remian in my shell.


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