psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2003-09-03 06:11:33 (UTC)

i want you to come walk this world with me

2002-01-10 05:22:48
hide and go seek

this is fun. cause she made me guess her journal name and
now its pay back time..lol she will never find this though,
i dont think she knows me that well but we shall see and if
she does find this then i just got my self in trouble for
sayin she doesnt know me that well....opps.
well this is supposed to be a place that u write ur
thoughts yes no.
well today was kinda odd cause i havent thought a lot in
a while and its like all of a sudden my mind is racing again
i cant stop thinking and i hate it there is too much goin
on im my life and im tired of all the shit i get delt in
life i mean come on in a span of 3 months i have 3 tickets,
3 accidents, and expensive repair, piss poor i cant even
afford classes and i think i might have to pass my last
semester off till next semester when i might be able to
afford it .. if i finish this semester then im off to
cali . i need out of florida i need away from all the
madness here.i think i will be ok if i can start over. i
have to much to worry about here to many people to take
care of and worry about ,, i cant make everyone happy
anymore i dont know what happened to my skill but its gone
and everyone just hates me now cause i cant do it anymore i
CAN'T FUCKIN DO IT. oh shit i just lost it , started
rambling like crazy opps cant do that again. i better go .


2002-01-13 19:01:20
No title

i have never understood less than i understand my life
today. i really dont understand why i even bother staying
clean. at least if im fucked up and dying im oblivious to
it , but sober its all right there in my face just how much
of a fuck up i am. and i have front row seats to the end of
my life. i love to watch the blood come from self inflicted
pain.
so u win, you wanted to be the one to end it well u hung up
without a good bye ,i think now it was ok for me to die. i
say its it now time , i say for once i will make everyone
happy for once i will finally free myself from my own
misery........ ahhhhhhhhh i fuckin cant win ever i hate
this fuckin life im done with it ,,,,,i want out of
living... i think i might have to return to the old me if
im gunna make it another day cause reality bites and its
killin me .. ok i think its a good damn time for me to die
today..im goin to my beach so i can die peacefully...


2002-01-24 04:59:58
to many things unsaid

"I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that we never said
All the things we should have done that we never did
All the things that you wanted from me
All the things that you needed tell me
All the things I should have given but I didn't"

"If you could step into my head, tell Me would you still
know me
If you woke up in my bed, tell me Then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie, Leaving me to wonder why
I can’t get you out of this head I call mine And I will say
Oh no I can’t let you go, My little girl
Because you’re holding up my World,
so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million Things that I love about
you
So I need you So I need you
So I need you So I need you
And if I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, tell me would you
Still follow me
And if I made you mad today, tell Me would you love me
Tomorrow? Please
Or would you say that you don’t Care, and then leave me
Standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in Despair and screamin’
Oh no I can’t let you go, My little girl
Because you’re holding up my World,
so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million Things that I love about
you
So I need you So I need you
So I need you So I need you
I’m on my own I’m on my own I’m on my own
Oh no I can’t let you go, my little girl
Because you’re holding up my World,
so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million Things that I love about
you
So I need you So I need you
So I need you So I need you"


2002-01-24 06:55:21
if u only knew..

if you only knew the things i was to afraid to tell you.if
you only knew the things you put me through. if you only
knew the pain i have been through. if u only knew how i
felt about you. if only i could tell you. if only i wasnt
such a fool.if only i had time to save this. if only i
couldnt tell the future everytime. if only i could just be
blind.if only you knew i would die for you. if only we
could work this through. if only i wasnt scared of loosing
you.
im so scared of loosing but i know i have already lost.

it was a real real fuckin bad day. it was bad since
yesterday....i didnt expect that one day one of his
somewhere with someone doing something would be the secret
of being with her.... and i dont think i was supposed to
find out i called to do a favor for my mom.. and i was
thinkin hmm odd she hasnt called me yet like she usually
does after school for me to come over and it was quiet in
the background of the phone call till the caugh and opps
the someone,something,somewhere that i wasnt supposed to
know..... and today it wasnt someone or something..he
fuckin never tells me what he is doing why was it ok today
why did he have to say he never tells me anything unless it
will get to me .... well i know he is happy ...... and
fuckin kick me while im down why dont we....
no she wasnt callin to ask if i was coming over to go to
work she was plenty occupied she was already set in not
goin to work and my car is fucked in a parking lot and im
loosing my mind and the last thing i needed was a crowd of
people to come and fuckin stand around me .let alone
my "g/f" pulling up with the ex.. yea im supposed to feel
real fuckin friendly watching them come out of the store
all laughing and playing with eachother ..come one fuckin
kick me while im down i couldnt be happier at this very
moment .. my car is fucked my job is on the line my mom is
worried that they might cancel her AAA (not that i might be
a concern) and then to top it off 2 days in a row i have
not heard form her after school cause she is with her ex
with whom she brings with her as she is supposed to be goin
to work....yeah i feel real good right now.... i couldnt be
happier to play second again.....
but u know what i put up with a lot of shit and i still
would rather be with her than anyone else right now ..im
more afraid of losing than i being unhappy but at the same
time i want her to be happy ..i dont want to sit back
another month till i can fit in her schedual again.. and i
know that he is important to her and she has always wanted
him back in her life and i dont want to stop that this
time ..i fell like i did last time and she hasnt been happy
since .... if he wants to came back and she wants him back
i
dont want to stand in the way this time.. i want her to be
happy...
but i cant sit there and watch either id rather take the
pain one
shot than wait everyday for her to be done with him call me
to
ride to work .. and then what happens on the weekends i
dont want her to have to decide cause i sure as hell am not
half as important as he is and i never expected to be. she
grew up with him she only just met me ....but i cant wait
and watch and cry thinking about why..... why im not with
her at that time.... i dont want to just wait till its my
turn for the day..... i knew this would happen again....the
truth of the matter is that im a loser and because of this
im going to lose her like everything else. 15 new marks to
my wall of pain

2002-01-24 13:09:56
why

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done.....

....I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...

.....This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel


2002-01-29 06:19:24
another gloomy monday

the world is an ongoing music video....
play the music that will make the scene happy.

well then today, today was an obviously shitty day...i cant
believe they fired my manager he was so cool now the whole
place is gunna go under i can feel it... i knew something
bad was gunna happen soon i felt it .. today was one gloomy
day outside ....nature set the mood for negativity.. and
then at marriott aaahh that place irritates me fuckin
william gear prick ass bitch motherfucker...... he is so
stupid he fuckin messed up my sale and then i got blamed
for it .... fuck that man not happening ....ill be damned
if i ever dye my hair a natural color for that fuckin
fagbitch....id liek to see him make a sale....oh thats
right we did challenge him and yeah yeah he didnt do it did
he no he still hasnt made any so fuck off assmuncher.....

i dont want to come home anymore cant i just move out of
here.... i feel much more comfortable elsewhere...anywhere
but here...and i need a job and i need to take adrienne to
the doctor cause she needs to get better cause ill be
damned if i ever see her go before me... fuck that im older
i have fucked up my body for years and i am far less
deserving to live than she is ....no way ill live
longer..... ill be gone long before anyone else i know
including her....no way will i let it happen that way ....
shes goin to the doctor this is important for her and to
me ..she better not fight me on this..she doesnt understand
how many people care about her...

omg im tired...and i have school in the morning
eeeeeewwww... then werk eeeeeeww double...and then i
dunno....
NNNNOOOO a few more days till i get even OLDER... ewwww
depends here i come..


2002-01-30 06:06:12
what is this???

i dont know if anyone has the kind of days where u just
want to be held... i never used to but i think im getting
weak and i need to stop cause it will only ruin me in the
end i cant be like that ..to many people need me to be
their strenght..... i wish i knew what it is.. i wish i
knew the rule about this kind of thing ..i wish i was more
expereinced in this department .. so i would just know that
these feeling are coming and i would just know the right
thing to say and do everytime.i would just be able to be
strong and knowledgable and dependable and not so hopeless
and such a loser.. and i dont know i just ahhh...i hate not
understanding new feelings. i know they are good but i dont
knwo what to do with them and all i want is to be held ...
(oh that sounds so weak)but its how i felt all day ....like
a little child lost in a dream screaming for my
strength ..dont leave me....is this what it feels like to
be happy ...is it the need to be loved that makes the
happiness....or is it the recept of love that make it..
cause id be happy if i could just be held right
now.....damn im a big ol pussy right now..what the fuck
happened to my strenght i better get it back i dont know if
i like this needing affection feeling especially at times
when it cant be filled.....
i want her to go to the doctor she needs to be better so
she wont always feel sick..im gunna have to find a way to
make some money real fast.i hate to see her in pain and i
know she is ...damn it i need money..
fuckin honest living bullshit just means ur broke 24-7.
damn it..but i wont go back either so what to do ...well
thats it for me i have so much in my head but i cant think
of it all right now ....bye


2002-02-11 17:29:32
shocked beyond shock

i never ever get a suprise of this size..suddenly i
realized what great friends i have...not only does my one
best friend lend me a car when mine is totaled but now
another bestfriend gives me the birhtday suprize of a life
time ......so im 23 now ewwww gettin old but it wasnt so
bad cause a few months ago i told jen that the only bday
gift i want is for her to come to floida for my bday and i
never thougth she would but her , richard, and chris set it
all up and in she flew from colorado .......i was supposed
to go to lunch with richard and so i did and all of a
sudden there she was jen i couldnt believe it my heart
stopped i didnt know what to say or what to think or
anything i was stupid for like 20 minutes..i could not have
been happier if i tried omg it was great.. i never expected
it in a million years.i dont even think it is possible to
express my happiness that weekend.....this was the best.....
we went to the beach my fav place in the world my
place..the
beach MY PLACE.. aaaahhhh :-)
we just hung out it was beautiful...i never felt more love
than from my friends that weekend..all at once i knew i had
a life i had friends people that loved me in one weekend i
knew there was more to life than pain and sadness there was
more to life than misery...and i started to realize this
with kristin my friend in cali who has helped me through a
lot of rough nites...nad this weekend just topped it off
everything she ever told me was true and in my face ..im
goin on and on and on and makin no sense..lol..it was to
great a weekend to talk aobut ..it was superbowl sundayand
i was kinda sick but there was no way i was gunna miss
it ...and it was me, jen, chris, kevin just a simple set of
friends but it was more than i could have asked for and the
game itself was amazing..omg it was an amazign
weekend..amazing bday..the feb 6th day itself wasnt so good
but thats another entry.....

2002-02-13 19:27:15
the day itself feb 6th

if i was able to think about it clearly i would have then
but i was so sad and so pissed off and once again all the
misery and pain nad sadness came rushing back as soon as
jen left cause it reall realy sucks here i have nothing
much out here but a few good friends who as we now know my
friends will always be around at least that set of
friends ,,,so feb 6th my bday...im laid up in bed ALL DAY
ALONE.. all day...and no one in my family thought to do
anything for me ..i dont expect anything but it still hurts
none the less so i call my mom at like 1130 at nite and the
only thing she says is "WHAT" i was like well i was
wondering where everyone was it is my birhtday and im home
alone all day i was jsut checking "why do u always have to
know where we are" and it wouldnt be so bad i guess cause
my sister was in the hospital but they werent even with her
no no brat and mom are in there own world and everyone else
comes after if they feel and ill be damned if they ever
FEEL like fitting me in anywhere really i wish i wasnt
here at all if i could afford it i would leave rigth now
and never tell anyone where i am except a few good friends
cause no one else really gives a shit i know my family sure
as hell doesnt...im just a burden to them cause i live here
god forbid i should PAY rent here to sleep on a couch if i
come home ....so finally they come home and go right to bed
still no hi no how are u no happy birthday no did u eat no
they go out and eat on my birthday without me and come home
like nothing still to this day not even a fuckin card from
anyone and yeah they took me out to dinner finally but
really without thought to me cause i dont reall matter nad
everyone knows i dont eat seafood never did never will but
my mom LOVES seafood and so does everyone else BUT me so
happy fuckin birhtday caroline u can come along for our
seafood lunch if u like and have a nice life .....i hate
playing second place to everyone everytime but oh well i
guess i cant change my life the tease was a weekend of
happiness and a lifetime of misery

2002-02-13 19:57:11
alone without being alone

well oh well i guess im just supposed to be a mindless
drone in life play second everytime but the shit of it is
this time i think im doin it to myself cause i want things
to be different i want to really be happy in this but its
not goin the way i hoped ... i know there are at least 2
other people that want me in their lives i know i could be
treated the way i want ot be treated if i could only turn
my heart of for this and move on but i wont ever leave
cause i still
think of a few times when it felt like this was the real
thing for
me ...friends with benefits is what it feels like cause i
dont really
think that there will ever be a serious romance i need to
know that
love exists i need to know that im what is being thought
about
cause i know what i think about im to much of a romantic to
not have a FULLY committed ..and i think trust is a big
thing to i mean i try to trust but its to hard when u know
that the other person isnt thinking the same way u are and
its not mutual cause as it has been well noted time and
time again no one will ever be more important...and its not
like i dont understand that people hold importance but i
feel if ur in a realtionship then though u have important
people in ur life that the one ur with is the most
important at that time ....there is love and there is being
in love...if someone is IN love with someone outside of the
relationship then its not fair to the person who is in the
relationship with u i think u can love and care about a lot
of people they are called friends but i dont know i just
feel more like a friend with benefits all the time cause i
feel so much more than will ever be felt for me ..and im
here not sayin a thing cause i dont want to lose the hope
that i have that one day ill finnaly see it and feel it in
her eyes the way i feel i hate regret which is why i could
never cheat on anyone the regret of knowin that i fucked up
cause i was bored or tired of a relationship..no it would
never happen cause i dont get bored or tired of people im
committed to cause i chose them for a reason...but
sometimes maybe i chose wrong but i still wait and hope for
that one perfect moment to come along (who says aquarians
arent emotional and romantic maybe we just get tired of
getting hurt)i feel alone even though im not single anymore
and i wonder which is worse sometimes i cried cause no one
wanted me and i cry cause i finally got someone who can be
great yet is stuck in the past so i come in second
place ...i am amused by my life ...so ill sit here and
smile and act like its great and go home and cry and slit
my wrists and wait for death to come or that moment of
beauty to come overtake my heart. and hope that one day she
will feel the same way i do about me instead of her
past.... u can love someone or ur In love with someone and
though i could be In love i think we will remain friends
with benefits... i wonder sometimes who is really ammused
by whos affections.

2002-02-14 00:05:01
real big stupid bitch yup yup thats me

ok sometimes i feel like a real big asshole and i fuck up
so much.. so i was bitching about like not trusting her and
shit and im an idiot i real fuckin moron cause i worry that
she is not happy so she might do whatever and so now i find
out that just today she was offered a chance to cheat on me
and she didnt ..she didnt and her i am a big ol fuckin
stupid asshole bitch accusing her of doing shit she isnt
doing cause i worry to much and all my worrying will in the
end drive her away and i dont want that i just want
everything to be ok and for us to be happy....and im simple
im a real simple yet stupid person cause like today i was
chillin at the park thinkin and then she calls and was like
no u shouldnt come over and i felt pretty crappy then she
calls back and was like if u want to come over u can so
like a gitty school girl i ran over to her house and she
was cleaning and i know she wasnt happy and i just wanted
to help her and i dont know how to help her cause she says
i cant but then she wanted to sleep a bit and here is me
being simple cause right there we were layin in bed she had
her arm across me and i was happy i dont need much i guess
after all that was it a simple touch and i was happy and
this was even before she told me of her offer that she had
turned down..... i long for affection i guess... thats what
happened the other day too when i was accusing her of that
stupid shit she went to werk i slept in the car she came
back out and just touched my knee and i smiled inside and i
wasnt even mad anymore when she held my hand and it was
fine .....so now its valentines time and i dont know what
to do cause there is so much i want to do but our situation
calls for limitations so i cant go all out and i dont think
she is even happy with me so what can i do to make her feel
something anything .....you know i really just want her to
be happy and i think if i wasnt such a stupid bitch maybe
she would be.


2002-02-18 20:20:13
damn it where did i get lost

i was tryin not to read her diary but its kinda hard when
its public and she was makin so much noise about it the
yesterday about how she doesnt know why she lets me read it
and so it triggered my curiosity and now i dont know what
to think like i still like her a lot i think i always will
and it sucks to know that she feels alone and damn it
really sucks to think she is ready to break up with me but
like i always say i jusy want her to be happy and if she
feels alone and is ready to break up then i guess i cant
really control how she feels. but then it all makes no
sense cause i try not to do anything wrong and she says i
make her happy and i know im happy even when she picks on
me about things and talks about shit that i just dont
understand why anyone would talk to their significant other
about and i wish we could have a real me and her kinda
conversation or when she gets mad at other people and takes
it out on me but even with all of that im still happy i
still like her and i like to be with her and so i dont get
why she feels alone or why she thinks she is a bad g/f and
i dont get anything right now im so confused and worried
and confused, yet still hopeful happy ..and she is sounding
so happy this weekend eventhough im not with her to see her
smiling face but i can hear it on the phone and it makes me
feel so good to hear her happy like that ...i dont get it.
aaaaahhh i really dont think i will ever read that diary
again but i just wanted to know what she was thinkin and
feeling cause she never just tells me ..its not such a bad
thing i think that i can get insight into her mind but she
thinks its a bad idea and im to worried and confused to
read it anymore right now cause if im happy and i make her
happy then why is this not good for her ..i dont understand
why she thinks she is not a good g/f i think i should be
the judge of that and if im happy then i dont see why she
should think she isnt good i think shes good, i dont need
much and it was more than anyone had ever done for me when
she gave me the flowrs yesterday that was a great suprise i
was in such a pissed off mood when i left work cause it
sucked at the bar and it was just a nasty day and then i
get to my car and it all went away cause there on my car
was some flowers it was great one of the best feelings i
have ever had and it made that whole shitty day just go
away ,see right there she was the best g/f just
cause........well im gunna go think for a while ill come
back with more thoughts later maybe but im to confused
right now and im just confused


2002-02-19 05:15:59
random dribble thoughts

today was a real waste of a day i really wish i had just
gone to work but i was tryin to see if this new job thing
would work and of course its my life and my luck and so as
good as a job as it might have been well luck sucks and it
didnt work out...what else is new in my life nothing works
out and i really want to go to cali for a little vacation
and maybe see the dave matthews concert out there how cool
would that be a little vacation and dave matthews and scare
a friend great fun im sure...anybreak from florida is a
plus... i wanna go to the beach soon i wanna breath for a
while ,,,yes "queen of the damned" comes out on friday i so
wanna see it. aaahh i did so much thinking today all day i
slept a lot and i said i would come back and write about
what i thought about but really dont know what i was
thinkin about i thought everything and there really isnt
much more to say that i havent already said i cant do
anything about anything i cant change my life i can only be
here and see what happens in life one day at a time ...i
need to finish school and find a job and move the hell out
of this house cause everything was better when i was out of
this house and i was thinkin of when everything started to
go wrong and i think that a lot of the problems she is
having is cause im not in my own apartment anymore she was
happy when i lived on my own i think this made everything
to complicated or something i dont know im lookin for
answers and it really is my fault i think and if i can just
get out of here aaahhh i just need out of here i need to
breath......


2002-02-20 18:05:10
how come

But all I wanna know baby is
If what we had was good...

I keep your picture beside my bed
And I still remember everything you said
I always thought our love was so rare I guess I was wrong
Always thought you'd be by my side papa now you're gone
(And I'm not tryna hear that sh*t)

What I wanna know baby
If what we had was good
How come you don't call me anymore

Still light the fire on the rainy night
Still I invision you holding me tight
Everybody say
Everybody say that we should never part
Tell me baby baby baby why
Why you wanna go and break my heart

What I wanna know baby
If what we had was good
How come you don't call me anymore
Sometimes it feels like I'm gonna die
If you don't call me Papa
Oh you gotta try

I'll get down on my knees
Hoping you please
Oooh won't you call me sometime Papa

Why on earth
Can't you just pick up the phone
You know I don't like to be alone

How come you don't call me
How come you don't call me


2002-02-20 18:24:42
I can take a hint

i think i have known this was gunna fall apart but i
thought that there might be some maturity if not at least
some respect givin to me to at least talk about it and
finish it right but no i get the hint instead...she never
likes to deal with shit instead she ignores people till her
problem goes away ..well i got the hint im not wanted
anymore so of course i get the cold shoulder....2 days gone
by and if i was important ud think that a g/f would call
and be all over the opportunity to see me but no not
important ..if i remember correctly during her christmas
break she was all pissed off cause i wasnt around enough i
recall her wishing i wouldnt have to leave after the
weekend was over all the time and i was told that she would
always rather be chillin and seeing me but hey i guess turn
about is fair play i guess i wasnt there when she wanted to
see me all the time so now i get it back cause i was all
excited to have these days off cause i knew she was off and
i wanted to see her and of course i get a call when she is
goin to work or out of work and maybe when she is ready to
go to bed. not once did she call and say hey hun we are off
i wanna see you..2 days and she even said the other day
that she might not be goin to work so maybe we can chill
but of course no....i waited all day in hopes that the
phone would ring and it be her cuase i thought if i plan to
do anything else ill miss out on chillin with her....so i
get the hint...im not important anymore but i would have
hoped to at least have earned some kind of respect in the
end to be more than just a friend that pisses her off that
she can just ignore till it fades away....MY feelings DONT
JUST FADE...and i dont know what the bullshit was last nite
when i spend time tryin to help her out with school and all
i was gunna do was swing by her house and drop it off not
like i was gunna go inside the house and its not like i
didnt always come over after work but for some reason i
wasnt allowed even near the area yesterday
whatever.WHATEVER..fuck this fuck everything fuck
life ....i get the hint im not wanted anymore ...6 new
marks to my wall of pain


2002-02-21 01:32:29
someone like me

so yesterday blew cause i waited around to see her cause
she didnt go to work and i never got to ,but its funny
cause i was drivin around feelin like shit wishing i could
just get into another accident and die, feining to smoke
which i had givin up cause she didnt like me smokin and
just thinkin way to much about everything ( i so wish i
could stop thinking) ,,anyways .. so then david calls and
its funny to me that everytime everytime one of us is
feelin shitty we can bet the other is the same way..so he
calls out of the blue and was like "hey whatcha doin" i was
like nothin drivin thinkin then hes like "i bet ur feelin
as bummed out as I am huh" and of course i was then we got
to talkin about why nothing ever works out for us and why
we always get hurt. and he sounded so so sad and stressed
and he doesnt deserve it he is such a great guy.. his g/f
is a psycho i really really dont like her at all and she
isnt makin him happy. we really need to go on another
vacation or even just hang out again i really wish i had an
apartment so we can chill like we used to i miss him so
much i miss goin to the clubs and talking and just
listening to music in the dark and goin to the beach, we
are so much alike and i just miss him.....and i dont know
what im doing.....why is life so shitty all the time.why
cant it just be perfect why does nothing good last ..daivd
is so far away and i miss him ,that was good and now its
gone ....and then there is adrienne and that was good but i
think shes gunna leave me cause i cant make her happy cause
somewhere along ther lines i lost her and i just wish she
would be like she was when i first met her.. i thought damn
she really likes me maybe this one will work but no like
everything else good in my life she will be gone.....


2002-02-22 21:24:01
the need to know is eating me inside

so i called for a serious conversation with adrienne tday i
hope it all goes well...im just tired of feeling like the
only one insterested in makin this work i have NO idea how
she feels about anything and i want this to works out so
bad i know things are so fucked up with us right now but i
always think things can be worked through as long as two
people are willing to work it through...open lines of
communication is all we need and i used to be the one who
didnt want to talk about anything and now all i wanna do is
know good or bad i need to know what she if feeling and
what she wants or needs out of this relationship if there
is anything left for me to offer her.....
she seems to be not so sad right now and i dont want to
ruin her good mood but i really just need to have a honest
talk.
shes spending a lot of time with this richard guy again and
less and less time with me like im really not important to
her anymore..aahhhh i just want it back the way it used to
be..honesty is the best policy even if its bad at least its
the better way to be hurt than to just watch it all fade
away never knowing why it fell apart what went so wrong
that it couldnt be fixed...and then im left with a nagging
unresolved void...i hope we can work this out cause i just
want to see her eyes in mine again.....aaaahhhh how did i
get this far when did my heart jump to my sleeve.

2002-02-26 22:02:37
its sometimes laughable

well i got yet another job again i wonder how long this one
will last it seems like it might be fun ..its always good
to learn how to do something you havent done before and
anything to pass the time in life is always a plus i
guess...."ignorance is bliss". ignorance not stupidity
ignoring life and working ur way right through to the death
cause there is nothing else worth living for anyways so i
say work, play dumb ,and party and never never open
yourself up to be hurt.....i will stand firm to my old way
of thinking cause the way i always knew things to be is the
way things will always be for me...

it kinda bothers me in a way more so than the pain of
losing that it seems to not bother her at all that we are
no longer together..... the words that no one ever wants to
hear "lets just be friends" well im sorry the person who
says that has not feelings left for the other person that
they would so freely drop everything as if nothing happend
and act like everything is fine well shit excuse me but im
not fine cause as always i care to much and in the end im
the one that gets hurt the most and its my fault this time
cause i said a thousand times that i was never gunna let
anyone in enough and i will never let anyone know me to the
point that they can hurt me my life is bad enough i have
enough pain i dont need other people adding to the already
shitty life and you know what i really really never will
again..."lets just be friends" shit i will try but when i
hang up or leave i will always cry and wonder why unless im
high...well again bits and peices of my mind till next time.


2002-03-11 17:58:14
venting venting inhale exhale

its been a while since i have written ..i was doing real
good ignoring everything and then she comes at me one day
acting like she gave a shit and ass easy as that i broke
again cause i was happy to think that she might actually
care abotu me ......well straight up bullshit and im
tired...i would give anything to be with her and happy but
im not adn can never be cause im sharing her with her
infatuation for her past...and the 20 people telling her
what to do ....and then when i think things are gunna be ok
with us then she says the most amazing things to me like if
anyone would be happy to hear this shit right.." to be
quite boldly honest im tryin to make SOMEONE happy " not
that she is happy at all shs just tryin to make sure that
someone is happy....bullshit im not some god damn pity
case..i dont want ur pity i dont want u to try to make
someone happy i want u mind ,body and soul. and there is
no way that anyone who is not happy in a relationship can
possibly make anyone else happy cause it will never be the
full focus...i dont want to be the fill in cause you cant
be alone ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! i dont understand why this shit
happens to me its like life teases me "ha ha oh u thought u
might be happy didnt u " well thank u life im glad ur
amused at my expense...
i think its funny that i know things without being
told..like yesterday she didnt think i would answer the
phone when she called before her show started but she
played it off adn said she would call me after tha
show..well why didnt she just say then that she wasnt
really calling for me and just talked to him then why wait
till after the show and call talk for a few minutes about
the hot guy she saw at the show and then not a bye not
anything like that "so let me know when u want to see the
show cause i want to see that hot guy again so ill go with
u ok...so is matt home" and that was the end of that
conversation...well yes i feel better and better every
fuckin day....omg omg omg i feel like i can go on for ever
just on the past weeks worth of shit that i have delt with
in hopes that we might work out...yet one again im left
standing alone looking like the fool..yes yes i was sucked
in again sucked into the dream of happiness that life
teases me with...
there are about three songs that i can think of to sum up
my feelings in this relationship (ill add those later)music
is my heart and soul....more to come gotta get to work


2002-06-17 07:49:23
The Return

well here we are again. about 10 yrs. of debating went into
deciding if i was gunna use this thing again and i dont
know why but i chose to sit down and and drop a few words.
things have been wow shit just fuckin insane i mean i dont
think i know whats goin on or how to deal with anything. i
dont know what i want to do about anything and im scared of
everything, and im just fucked up in the head once again
very much wishing to be dead yet still looking for that
perfect ending that perfect fit, but right now im looking
for a perfect way out...i dont know what im doing or why im
doing it, and its all beginning to feel like there is not
point to it.
but still somehow i feel like nothing almost psycho
emotionless like i wouldnt give a shit about anything a
mind could imagine, no one can hurt me ,its to the point
now that im just numb....just whatever... it scares me to
think but then again whatever ..who gives a shit NO ONE i
was the only one ,fuck it .


2003-09-03 05:42:03
welcome back me!!!

well well here again it this web site where the details of
ones fucked up mind and twisted life stories are shared
with the world.
i join this madness once again in open forum by request.
someone found my insanity intrueging i guess...
unfortunatly this is going to be a short entry since the
mice have stopped running my for the night but stay tooned
to few and far between stories of my once so facinating now
unbareably boring very not so normal and seriously
depressing life.............and so the saga continues till
next time .





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