2003-09-02 21:37:19 (UTC)

i need the voice of a good friend...

LaDiDaGrl: i told him. then i pissed him off. i think
we're going to break up now.

olp658: are you glad, or no?

LaDiDaGrl: I dont really care either way right now.

LaDiDaGrl: I really have too much important shit on my
mind to deal with this insanity.

olp658: what is on your mind?

LaDiDaGrl: school, finding a job, where im guna transfer

olp658: hows the job search going?

LaDiDaGrl: i have a good interview thursday and an okay
one tomorrow

LaDiDaGrl: the only thing im feeling about it, is that im
sick of playing these games and i dont want to go through
the drama of breaking up if we're just going to go about
and do more things to come between us and then get back

olp658: so, if you break up this time you want it

LaDiDaGrl: well its just that i dont want to bother if
its not.

olp658: do you think it could be?

LaDiDaGrl: i dont know. not really.

olp658: is there a way to avoid the entire situation
until you get some of the other stuff figured out?

LaDiDaGrl: thats sort of how it is i gues

LaDiDaGrl: its caroline too. i dont know if you read my

olp658: yea.

olp658: i had one question. do you want caroline back
for you, or do you want her away from diana? or a
combination? and which urge is stronger?

LaDiDaGrl: thats the problem im having.

olp658: and do you think it would be more likely to work
with caroline this time than last time? i mean i know
cause you posted old entries that youve been considering
that too

LaDiDaGrl: because. i KNOW for a fact i want her away
from diana. because I KNOW for a fact that i love her and
want whats best for her and this isnt. but im trying to
decide before things keep going down this road if, yes, if
it would be more likely to work and how matt plays into it
all, because unfortunately that has to be a consideration

LaDiDaGrl: i wish it wasnt

LaDiDaGrl: i wish he'd fall off the earth

olp658: is it for her or for you that you would get back
together with her?

LaDiDaGrl: If he didnt exist I would do my best to get
back together with her. for whatever thats worth. but im
just afraid that he'll fuck it up again just by being

olp658: ok....would caroline move with you to a different
city if you went do you think?

LaDiDaGrl: lol dawn
LaDiDaGrl: like...... atlanta, for instance?

olp658: no im serious. your planning to transfer. it
would be better for the relationship if you didnt see matt
in your classes. so would she go with you or be another
thing keeping you in orlando?

LaDiDaGrl: I don't know - I guess I think she would but I
wont be ready for that for awhile. I need money before I
can do that. and I can't go out of state until I'm done
with school.

olp658: yes. but tampa, or gainseville or wherever
olp658: in florida

LaDiDaGrl: I dont know
LaDiDaGrl: I didnt realize HOW often this happens to me

olp658: the wanting to leave matt or...?

LaDiDaGrl: Until I was reading my diary. seriously every
month or two i'm like "I miss her. I shouldnt have fucked
that up"

olp658: yet when you were with her, she pissed you off a
lot too. and you did break up, so at the time there must
have been some sort of good reason...

LaDiDaGrl: well almost everyone in the world has a good
reason to break up. i think. its just how hard you try
and what else is affecting your decision.

LaDiDaGrl: I mean. I dont know. I dont want to make
another mistake so Im trying to think carefully about it
when I have time.

LaDiDaGrl: I know you cant tell me what to do but do you
think it would be a mistake?

olp658: i cant tell you what to do, i know. and i also
know that my opinion varies greatly from yours on the
subject of caroline. i think the girl is very nice, but i
dont think she deserves you. yes, maybe she didnt cause as
much drama as matt. but part of that could be that there
wasnt as much history to draw from... and im not
advocating matt either. and yes, matt has emotionally
turned off and forgotten how to love. but how good at all
of that was caroline to begin with? wasnt she the one who
was shocked when you kissed her? and who almost never says
i love you? she buys you all kinds of things... is it
because she is trying to prove some kind of affection that
she cant show you in any other way? shes very reserved,
and i think you need more then that... but then thats the
side i saw of her, maybe from your view it was completely

LaDiDaGrl: no you're probably right in a way but i never
doubted her until the very end, i never doubted that she
cared about me and so matt can say it all he wants but i
dont believe him... and while its important to me to have
it said, its more important that i believe it.. the
kissing thing was a big problem. that i didnt forget about.

LaDiDaGrl: but i always knew she loved me. until the end
when i went nuts over this fat ass cunt.

olp658: im not saying she didnt care. its not enough
though. just to care about someone. just that she was
incapable of showing you, and you want attention, and
affection. and you should have them, its your nature. is
she openly gay finally? cause thats also a problem.

LaDiDaGrl: lol i believe so yes

olp658: yes. and i have to agree with wayne on that
one... that just isnt worth it. its to flaky and instable
to date someone who is afraid to tell everyone else that
they are with you.

LaDiDaGrl: unstable.=)
LaDiDaGrl: yeah that was a pain in the ass.
LaDiDaGrl: i dont know dawn i dont know

olp658: yea ok i cant spell

LaDiDaGrl: its too difficult to think about it hurts my

LaDiDaGrl: because she lives with the bitch anyway

LaDiDaGrl: and i mean. maybe im wrong. because i feel
like she doesnt care about her and all. because shes
always just pissed off with her and talking shit about
her. but maybe im wrong.

olp658: i say wait. try not to do everything at once.
after thurs you should know about the job issue. do that
first. if you plan to get back with her, expect to need to
help her move out, or find someone to replace the bitch.

LaDiDaGrl: ugh i feel so fucked up even talking about
this. like i dont even know how she really feels. as
usual. i dont think she even cares any which way.

olp658: just a random thought... what about being single
for awhile? to sort stuff out?

LaDiDaGrl: yeah thats what ashley said too. i hate being
alone. and when im alone, it makes it very easy for him
you know

olp658: yes, i know....

LaDiDaGrl: thats why i just stay around.

LaDiDaGrl: i may as well be single anyway.

LaDiDaGrl: he made it clear today that he isnt going to
hesistate to cheat on me if such opportunity arises. and
it didnt even phase me. first of all, good luck with that
one. and then, good. give me a reason to kick your ass to
the curb.

LaDiDaGrl: And I do want her back in school

olp658: well, unless he does something to press the
issue, id suggest waiting until thursday. after the
interview. then there is one less thing to worry about,
and youll know what all you will be capable of cause youll
know about how much youll be making.

LaDiDaGrl: Mainly, i KNOW i want her away from this bitch
and in school. if i could have things my way. and then
matt would fall off the earth never to be seen again. and
THEN i could think about this.

LaDiDaGrl: right now i just feel ridiculous even thinking
about it.

olp658: i have to run cause im supposed to be on campus
by 5

LaDiDaGrl: ohhh okay talk to you later then=)

olp658: ok. i will talk to you later hun, take care...
watch a movie or something mind numbing:-)

she makes a few good points. but this is stupid for me to
be wasting my time thinking about anyway. i think i will
be happy for now if i could just maybe see her more often.
and work on helping her get back in school and get a job
that she wont have to work three jobs to pay her bills.

i think the best thing to do is to stop thinking about it
so much and not DO anything. because if im right, her and
the bitch dont need me to keep going downhill. and god
knows matt and i dont need any help fading away. and again
i hate to sound selfish but i do have a lot to do job and
school wise. i will stop thinking of it from this moment on.